


The house in Kent

by spaceshipdear



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: (kind of), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Eventual Smut, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Modern Era, Peggy Carter Lives, Peggy is kind of evil in this one, Peggy was captured by HYDRA, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Red Room (Marvel), Slow Burn, Violence, Winter Soldier Peggy Carter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-01-26 19:07:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 37,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12564188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceshipdear/pseuds/spaceshipdear
Summary: It was a mistake. Natasha didn't mean to tell Steve that Peggy Carter had been working in the Red Room. And that she was still alive. But above all it was a mistake to think that she was the same woman he fell in love with decades ago.Taking place after CA: The Winter Soldier and canon divergent from there.





	1. Revelation

**Author's Note:**

> A little idea I've been toying with for a while. I'm a huge fan of Indiefic's Dark Ways series where Steve is pretty much a psychopath and kinda wanted to try it the other way. I am not nearly as good as Indie, so please don't have too much expectation! Also if you haven't, go read Dark Ways NOW it's so fucking good.
> 
> I almost finished writing this story (just a couple of chapters to go) so I should post quite often as I go back to editing (those who know me and are following my other multi-chapter are cursing me right now) (sorry, I swear I'll finish DYR once day). 
> 
> And my usual warning: this is not beta'd and english isn't my primary language so I apologize for the horrible spelling and grammar mistakes I make. I try my best to edit most of them.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Please please let me know what you think!

Steve and Natasha were looking at the three framed pictures on the wall. The basement they entered, under Camp Lehigh, was dime but not dime enough to not recognized the faces on the pictures.

Steve looked at them silently for a moment, his eyes staying on her face a little longer than his other war companions.

He had been avoiding looking at pictures of Peggy over the past few years since he learned she was reported missing in action over fifty years ago and declared deceased. When he woke up after decades of being buried in the arctic, he had felt his heart tighten at the idea he would never see her again. But when he read she hadn’t even been able to live her life to the fullest and was gone so young his heart broke for good, bringing down all hopes to ever reconnect with people from his past life. He was completely alone now.

“I know her.” He heard Natasha whisper beside him, pulling Steve out of his dark thoughts.

When he turned around in surprise, she was staring at Peggy, her eyes wide open in a vulnerable expression he’s never seen on her face.

“What did you just say?”

“Who is she?” She asked him in return suddenly regaining her composure.

“What do you mean you know her?”

Natasha studied Steve's face for a second. He seemed disconcerted, a look he didn’t show much around the Avengers.

“Nat, tell me?” He insisted when she didn’t respond.

“What was she to you?” She tilted her head curiously.

“You can't know her,” his voice broke a little at his last words, “she's dead.”

“I must be wrong then.” She quickly shrugged, her usually placid expression back on her face.

“Nat, come on.” He pleaded her. Without success.

She left his side, wandering back into the abandoned facility. Clearly she let something slip and Steve had every intentions to learn more about what kind of link Natasha had with Peggy.

…

Steve and Natasha found shelter at Sam Wilson’s place after finding out HYDRA had been hiding in plain sight since the war. The man trusted Steve enough to let them hide at his place. At least SHIELD, or HYDRA, didn’t know their connection and they could lay low for a few hours.

The two former SHIELD agents were talking in the guest room.

“I owe you.” Natasha told him.

“It's okay.” Steve shook his head slightly, looking down.

“If it was the other way around, and it was down to me to save your life, and you be honest with me, would you trust me to do it?” She asked seriously.

“I would now.” Steve answered without hesitation. “And I'm always honest.” He concluded with a small wry smile.

“Well, you seem pretty chipper for someone who just found out they died for nothing.” She was smiling in return.

“Well, I guess I just like to know who I'm fighting.”

He leaned back into the chair and looked at Natasha. “Now it's your turn to be honest with me for once.”

“Force of habit.” She smirked.

“That woman from the picture?” He asked letting his question unfinished.

Natasha’s smirk immediately disappeared. She stood up and crossed her arms before starting to pace around the room, contemplating her answer.

“You said you knew her. I heard you.”

“Shouldn’t really have let that slip. I was distracted.” She gave him a crooked smile. But Steve knew better. If Natasha Romanoff, master manipulator and spy, let something slip there had to be a reason.

“Nat…” Steve stood up and placed himself in front of her to stop her pacing. “That was Peggy Carter. She's- We fought together during the war. She started SHIELD with Howard and Philips. She went missing during an op in Yugoslavia in the fifties. She's dead. You can't know her.”

“I can assure you I could never forget her face.”

Steve opened his mouth ready to tell her otherwise but everything in Natasha’s eyes told him that this time she was telling him the truth.

“She was an instructor in the Red Room. She was the one who taught us how to shoot. How to kill. I’m sorry Steve but it was her.” Nat pursed her lips together.

“That’s impossible.”

Steve passed his hands on his face and turned away from his friend. He just couldn’t believe a word she was saying and yet here she was, in front of him, more honest he’s ever seen her. His head spun with confusion.

Peggy was gone. He read the files. MIA in 1952, in an attempt to break through a soviet cell of HYDRA. The helicopter she was in was shot when they were airborne and it crashed down a canyon. Technically no bodies were retrieved but no one could have survived the fall. And even if they did there were no plausible explanations of how they could have make it out of the canyon.

Suddenly a flash of memory hit Steve. Bucky falling down the train in the Alps. His helpless scream, his body swallowed by the void, the icy wind on Steve’s face. He remembered it like it was yesterday.

Sam entered the room, offering them breakfast. Steve jumped at the sound of his voice, bringing him back to reality.

“You alright, man?”

“Yeah, he’ll be okay.” Natasha answered looking at Steve and resting her hand on his arm.

…

The Triskelion had fallen. SHIELD was gone and all of HYDRA’s dirty secrets, as well as SHIELD’s were out in the open for everyone to learn about. Natasha had to go testify in place of Nick Fury who was still officially dead. They didn’t know who to trust. Who was HYDRA, who was SHIELD, save some obvious behaviors during the fight. But a lot of HYDRA agents were still out there, undercover, trying to pass as good guys. They didn't know who to trust.

The whole thing was a damn mess.

And Bucky was alive. In the span of a week not only Steve found out that his long lost love might have lived and worked for the very same terrorist cell they tried to take down together, now his best friend survived all those years and has been turned into an assassin most likely by the same organisation.

Steve was unconscious in a hospital bed, after he was found on the bank of the Potomac, saved by Bucky himself. The room’s lights were out and the night was falling outside. When Sam walked back in after taking a break from watching over Steve to get some food, he almost missed the woman standing by the bed in the dark, looking down at the soldier.

He couldn’t be sure but he was almost certain he saw her hand pull away from Steve’s, resting at his side on the bed.

“Who are you?”

She turned around, she was wearing red lipstick and her hair was tightly pulled in a bun, beside this he could barely see her face.

“I must have gotten the wrong the room. I apologize.” She answered with a British accent.

“Hey, how’d you get in there?”

The woman turned on her heels and exited the room before Sam had the time to put down the coffee mug and brown bag on the nearby cart. When he ran to the corridor, she was nowhere in sight.

…

“Are you sure the intel is legit?” Sam asked his friend.

“Depends what you call ‘legit’.” Steve answered walking outside of the hotel and putting on his sunglasses.

Sam and him have been tracking Bucky ever since he went out of the hospital and buried an empty casket in Fury’s grave. For a long time the leads they followed were all dead ends until recently. A former soviet KGB agent had made contact in the dark net and they send them encrypted messages for about a week until Sam and Steve were finally able to decode them with Natasha's help. She mentioned the code as old, pre-dating her time in the KGB and mostly likely couldn’t have been forged, which made her believe it was legitimate.

The messages lead them to London where they decided to stay in an hotel than seemed to have been mentioned in the comms they received from the agent. Natasha wasn't one hundred percent sure about the hotel name but it seemed to be the closest.

They just landed a couple of hours ago and were already out to check on some stray HYDRA agents that have been seen in the area. It was a bust and after an afternoon of dull stakeouts in some random pubs they decided to go back to catch up on some sleep.

When they walked into the hotel lobby, someone walked up in front of them, standing up from the lobby’s arms chairs where they have been waiting.

It took Steve only a second to recognize her silhouette. She was wearing a black dress, tightly hugging her curves, her lips were shiny red and her hair loose on her shoulders. They were longer than he remembered.

Most of all, she was alive. Standing tall in front of him, her chin up studying Steve from head to toe.

Steve stopped right on his track, making Sam bump into his back.

“What are you doing?” Sam asked.

“Peggy?” Steve said barely above a whisper, not trusting his words and the fresh memory of his encounter with Bucky on his mind.

“I haven't answered to that name in a long time.” She stated, her voice exactly as he remembered, maybe a few octaves lower like a dark whisper had taken over it.

“What— what are you doing here?” Steve tried to ask feeling so confused he couldn’t form a coherent thought.

She didn’t answer. She kept looking at him like she was searching for something, like she wanted to study him. Her eyes drifted quickly to Sam behind who just took a few steps forward.

“Cap, who’s that?”

Steve kept his eyes on Peggy and extended his hand in front of Sam to stop him from walking further.

“It’s okay. You should go.”

“You sure—” Sam was cut by Steve’s answer.

“Yeah it’s fine. Just— I’ll meet you in the room alright?” His ton was more pressing and he glanced back at Sam a determined look in his eyes.

His friend nodded and got a last look at Peggy before heading to the elevators.

Steve’s heart was pounding so fast in his chest, he was pretty sure that if he didn’t have super strengths he would probably be on the verge of an heartattack.

Peggy was silent until Sam left and she finally spoke.

“Care for a drink?” She asked and walked immediately to the bar.

Steve followed her after taking a few seconds to reclaim control over himself.

When he finally stepped into the bar she was seating on a stool, her legs crossed, the slit of her dress letting appear the pale skin of her thigh. She looked at him while he sat next to her and turned toward the barman.

“I’ll have a gin, neat.” She asked. “A William Chase.”

The barman turned to Steve who asked for a whisky on the rock, any kind. Not that alcohol would do anything for his nerves but at least the dry taste of the amber liquid on his tongue would help him focus.

“How are you here? What happened to you?” Steve didn’t wait for their drinks to question her.

“Haven't you read the file SHIELD had on me? It was released like the rest.” She finally seemed ready to break her silence.

“No… I haven't thought of looking.” He had to confess.

“Too busy searching for your dear Bucky.” She answered dryly.

Steve almost detected a hint of jealousy in her voice. But maybe that’s what she wanted him to believe. Everything about this version of Peggy was completely foreign to Steve. She didn’t looked or sounded like the woman she knew during the war. He had no idea if he should trust anything she was saying.

“Bucky? What do you know about him?” He asked, surprised.

“Everything.”  

She paused while the barman put their drinks in front of them. Peggy took a sip while watching the man behind the bar go away before resuming their conversation.

“Well everything about the Winter soldier. Bucky doesn't exist anymore. You should get use to it.” She stated as matter of fact.

“He saved me. He saved me when he could have left me to drown, that means he's starting to remember. There's hope.”

She looked at him quizzically.

“Do _you_ remember me?” Steve asked tentatively.

He noticed she blinked rapidly a couple of times, barely showing a sign that she was confused or maybe distressed. But he still saw it.

“No.” She finally told him.

“You hesitated.”

“I read my file. I read the life of a woman I don't remember being. You were mentioned in it. A lot.” She paused. “I wanted to see you.”

“And what do you see?”

Peggy was silent again, her eyes fixated on his face. They were darker than he recalled, harder. And he hated feeling so uneasy under her scrutiny. He hated that she seemed like a threat and far worst that he appeared to be a stranger to her, that she couldn’t trust him.

“Peggy… what did they do to you?” His voice softened, he wanted to show her he didn’t represent any danger to her, he was her friend.

“They rewrote me. Reprogrammed me. I'm- I don't know who I am. I just know what I had to do.” This time her voice didn’t sound as low and he knew the honesty in his question made her talk.

“How are you here? They let you go?” He continued, encouraged by her answer.

“Your little stunt at the Triskelion has shaken even the most secretive cells of the organization. The program I was a part of was dismantled years ago. I became an operative field agent. I was active when you exposed them. I found my file. I couldn't get back. I need to understand.”

“You led us here. The informant, it was you.”

“Took you long enough.” She scoffed and took another sip of her drink.

“Come with me.” He asked her genuinely, his voice was almost filled with hope.

“Where?” She rolled her eyes mockingly and drowned down the last of her drink before putting back the glass on the counter, her fingers gripping at it.

“Help me find Bucky. I'll help you find who you are.” Steve put his hand on hers on top of the glass.

She looked down at their hands in shock but didn’t push Steve’s away.

“What makes you think you can do that?”

“Because I'm the last person alive who knew you Peggy, the real you. Because I loved you.” He concluded with a clear certainty in his voice.

She stood up so quickly, their hands knocked the glass down. Steve was so taken aback by her sudden movement that he didn’t see her immediately lean on him, dangerously close to his body.

He felt a sharp object sinking into his stomach and when he looked down, Peggy was holding a knife in her hand, covering it by standing so close to him no one in the room could see she was menacing him. She moved closer to his ear and he could feel the warmth of her breathe on his skin.

“I know this won't kill you but it will hurt like a motherfucker.” She whispered in a hard ton. “If you try to follow me or to contact me, I will end you. I don't care that you're a super soldier I will find a way to kill you.”

She stayed in close to his face, looking into his eyes while Steve could feel the edge of the knife sinking dangerously into his flesh through the fabric of his shirt.

Peggy finally pulled back, still staying close to hide her motion to the rest of the bar and put back her knife into the holster she was wearing on her thigh. She deliberately did it in plain view for Steve so he could see the gun she was also concealing under her dress.

She turned on her heels and left the room quickly, leaving Steve with a hole in his shirt and so in shock that he couldn’t move.

…

After bribing the front desk clerk, Steve and Sam entered the room Peggy was staying in, quietly. She was gone. All of her belongings had disappeared. It was like she had never even been in the room at all.

Later that day Steve told Sam who Peggy was. He didn’t shared how he felt about her nor the kiss she gave him before he jumped in the plane to stop Schmidt but just enough so Sam could understand to some level the importance she had in his life.

Sam revealed her presence in the hospital room a few weeks earlier. He didn't really saw her although he was certain he recognized her voice and accent. It convinced Steve even further that there was hope. While Peggy was saying she didn’t remember him or who she was before being captured, it seemed like she was pulled toward Steve. It made sense. The soldier was the last thread hanging from her previous life. She wanted answers and it convinced Steve that she might be more cooperative once she realizes she could trust him with helping her.

For the next few days they tried to find a way to follow her steps. In vein. She had disappeared and probably already left London by now.

Steve practically didn't sleep for days, the dark circles under his eyes betraying his promises to Sam to get some rest. Every time he fell asleep he was woken up minutes later by nightmares of Peggy falling down in an abyss and Bucky killing all his friends one after another on the highway.

They ended up hitting a dead end, losing her track for good. Sam decided to bring Steve back to DC so he could at least get Natasha's help to shake him up of his current state.

Natasha refused to talk about the red room despite Steve’s pressing questions. She didn't want to reveal anything about the Peggy she knew.

“You don't want to know this Steve, trust me. It’s ugly.”

But she slid a tablet toward him across the table of the coffee shop where they meet. When he unlocked it there was a digital file with a series of random numbers as a name. Nat prompted him to open it. It revealed a blank page with the following title:

 _Classified - Level 10_  
_Agent Peggy Carter_  
_M.I.A. 1952_  
_Case open_

He looked up at Natasha and she nodded.

“I believe she's our key to find Barnes. Find Carter and she'll help you get to the Winter Soldier.”

But Steve’s reasons to find Peggy had nothing to do with Bucky.


	2. Acceptance

They detected her presence on video surveillance cameras in Paris. Steve and Sam took a plane to the city of lights and ended up tracking her from there.

Three days later, they found the hotel she was staying in that week, it looked like she changed regularly. Steve stayed on stake out in the cafe downstairs for a few hours until he finally spotted her walking in and getting in an elevator. He quickly climbed up the stairs and when he walked into the floor, he heard the commotion of a fight. Two men were attacking Peggy. One of them was twisting both her arms on her back while the other who had his back to Steve attempted to tase her. Steve started charging into the man with the taser. Peggy spotted him immediately and at the exact same time Steve gave the man a blow to the head, she hit the one holding her with the back of her head, breaking his nose. Her attacker didn’t bulge much although he groaned heavily, while the other one was lying on the floor. 

Before Steve could get to her in time, she launched back her foot and hit the man on the crotch with her heel. He barely had the time to back off a few steps, still restraining her before she used the wall, launching herself with one foot and flipped around to throw her knee to her attacker’s chin in a violent blow. The man fell back and she gave him another punch on the face that made him hit the floor, unconscious. 

Steve was stopped in his tracks, watching her. Clearly she didn’t need him to defend herself.

She was breathing heavily and assessed the two men on the floor. There were red marks on her neck appearing where one of her attackers squeezed his hands to restrain her. Instinctively Steve wanted to reach out to check if she was okay but the hard look she gave Steve stopped him. 

“Don’t just stand there, help me move them in the room.” She told him dryly. 

They both brought the men in the bathtub of her hotel room, tying them tightly with the sheets from the bed.

Peggy went back into the bedroom without a word. Steve followed, trying not to invade her space.

“Pegg—”

“I don’t need you anymore. Leave me alone.” She cut him.

“Who's after you?” He took a few steps toward her, where she was packing her stuff back into a suitcase.

“Who do you think?” She snorted.

“Hydra?” 

“They know my location, it's only a matter of hours before they send more. You should leave. I don't think they know you're looking for Barnes yet. If they see you with me you'll become a target.” She kept packing her belongings and checked her gun, before laying it on the bed in plain sight for Steve to see she was armed and probably ready to use force to remove him from the room.

“We have resources, we can hide you.” He walked closer to her, ignoring the silent threat.

“Get the fuck out of this room, I'm not going to tell you twice.” She practically yelled at him, turning around to throw him a menacing look.

“Listen you said it yourself they don't know I'm after Bucky, they probably don't know you contacted me either. We can go to England, we have a safe house there. Please Peggy.” He begged.

“My name’s not Peggy.” 

She gritted her teeth and without any warning punched him in the face before launching herself at him to push him out of the room. Steve just had time to encircle his arms around her middle locking her arms to prevent her to attack further.

“Stop it!”

She started moving around and attempting to fight him. Steve was desperately trying to keep her still without hurting her, which she didn’t make easy. He tightened his hold on the flesh of her arms where he was probably leaving marks but he had no choice. He was strong but she was sneaky and managed to turn around in his arms to strike him with a knife he hadn't noticed she was wearing on her. The blade sank deeply in the muscle of his thigh. 

The sudden striking pain made him release her and back down. Blood was already oozing from the wound and he hissed between his teeth, putting pressure on the bloody injury.

When he lifted his head Peggy was leaning on the wall. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, she was red from rage and he watched her slid down until she was miserably sitting on the floor. Her hand covered in his blood let go of the knife. It fell down silently on the now red-stained carpet. She looked completely lost and terrified.

“Get away from me. I don't know you.” She was practically screaming at him.

He didn’t move, only looked at her reading the pain and fury on her features and not understanding what could have happened to her. He had to make her understand he didn’t want to hurt her, that he just wanted to help. 

The woman in front of him now was so different from the Peggy he knew. But deep down he was certain he could reach out to who she was. Bucky had remembered him. She could too. She had to. He simply couldn't leave her now, not after witnessing the desperation that was filling her eyes.

“I don't fucking know who I am.” She lamented before holding her head between her hands.

Keeping the pressure on his wound Steve kneeled down next to her, gritting his teeth at the pain. He tentatively put his free hand on the top of her head and started caressing her hair.

“You're Peggy Carter,” he started with a soft and reassuring voice, “the toughest and bravest woman I've ever known.”

She went completely still but didn’t fight him so he continued. 

“I first meet you at Camp Lehigh in New Jersey in 1942. You were an instructor for the SSR. We were a bunch of kids, mostly arrogant assholes who had no idea what we signed up to. You knocked down one of them on his ass in front of the whole squadron. I was 5’7 and 110 pounds at the time and I've never been more impressed with anyone before in my life. I fell in love with you at that exact moment.” He concluded and heard her suck in a breathe.

She sobbed and weakly lifted her head, trying to make her eyes harder to hide her desperation.

“Stop saying that.”

“I'll never stop saying it. It took 70 years before I could, I'm not stopping now.” 

She miserably tried to push him away but the attempt was so weak that Steve just ended up holding her in his arms, almost sitting her on his lap. She started sobbing again, in between asking him to stop and to just leave, while she was gradually leaning into his embrace. 

Steve tried to tell himself that he had finally broke through. He wanted to help her so much, everytime he heard her sob against his chest, he could feel his heart break some more.

He tightened his hold of her and they stayed on the floor of her hotel room rocking back and forth slowly.

…

“British dragon lady? Are you sure about this?” Sam was surprised. 

“Listen I know it's a lot to ask and I understand if you're uncomfortable with this situation.” Steve put both his hands on his hips, looking expectantly at his friend. 

“Uncomfortable? With a former spy who was brainwashed, taught children how to murder people and is now a wanted fugitive from a nazi organization? Jeez, why would I be uncomfortable.” Sam exaggerated with a sarcastic tone. 

“She's coming with me.” Steve stated simply.

“You and her, during the war. Were you sleeping together?” 

“No.” Steve answered shaking his head with a frown before looking down at the ground.

“Jesus, it's even worst. You loved her.”

“That has nothing to do with it. She needs my help. Period. And she has intel on Bucky.”

Sam stayed silent and looked at the soldier, crossing his arms in front of him. Steve averted his eyes. Steve knew he was right and Natasha agreed with him, Peggy could help them locate Bucky and probably get through him. He didn’t know much about the treatment either of them were administrated with by the soviets, but it probably shared similarities. After all they both didn’t seem to age and lost their memories. Not a lot of different procedures could do this. 

It was still extremely painful for Steve to think about what his friends had been through. And for now he hadn’t asked Peggy about it. He planned on doing it at some point but he needed to gain her trust first. He also needed to really understand if he could trust her in return. 

After her breakdown in the hotel a few hours earlier, he was pretty sure she genuinely was looking for her past and to retrieve her memories. But Steve had seen Natasha in action, eluding people, lying and manipulating. She was good, he had been fooled a few times himself. And if Peggy was her instructor, then she might be even better at it. She could be exploiting his weakness. But for what goal? HYDRA has been exposed, they were in pretty bad shape. Even if Peggy was still working for them, there was no point in manipulating Steve now, they needed to regroup first. In all honesty he just didn’t believe she was still working for them.

“You should go to DC, Nat was asking for us to get back. I think the others are getting suspicious about what we're doing in Europe.” Steve told Sam.

“And when I show up without you, what do I tell them? That you hooked up with your amnesic high school sweetheart?”

“I'm sure you'll find a much better story.” Steve clasped Sam’s shoulder and gave him a small smile.

“Alright man. Be careful. She's a trained HYDRA agent. No matter how rogue, she could still cut you in your sleep.”

“Good thing I learnt how to sleep with one eye open during World War II.” Steve commented wryly.

Sam chuckled but still added: “Look after yourself Steve, please.”

...

It was nearly 6 pm when Steve and Peggy reached the safe house in the south countryside of London.

Peggy had been silent on the train ride from Paris and the car trip to their final destination, barely answering his questions about getting food or wondering if she was tired.

She put an end to his attempts at communicating with her with a dry “I’m not a child, I can tell you if I need to pee” while he asked her if she wanted to stop for a bathroom break. 

They both walked into the house Natasha had secured for them. It took roughly an hour and a half from the center of London to get there. They could stay here for as long as they needed. It was located in a small town but populated enough that they go unnoticed. At least with her british accent they could blend in. The house was a bit remote from the busy areas of the town and it was surrounded by fields and part of a forest. It was quiet.

Peggy immediately chose a room in the upper floor and shut the door close behind her. Steve picked the other bedroom across the hall. 

After an hour when she didn’t get out of there, he decided to go into town to see if anything was still open to buy something to eat. He tried to knock lightly on the door but she didn’t answer. He just hoped she was asleep and catching some rest. Most likely she was ignoring him.

He found a pub open and order salads and fish and chips to go. When he came back to the house, he heard the shower running in the upstairs bathroom. Laying down the food on the kitchen table, he waited for her to get down.

To his surprised she joined him without having to call and tell her he went to buy diner. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs and froze for a moment, looking at Steve who was on his phone texting Sam to let him know they arrived safely. She studied the food on the table and Steve didn’t move, letting her come to him at her own pace. It felt utterly strange to watch her sit in front of him, a towel wrapped around her head, some locks of hair still dripping on her shoulders. She was wearing a simple pair of leggings and a loose grey shirt. Her face was bare of make-up and she wasn’t wearing any shoes nor socks. She looked absolutely beautiful and Steve’s stomach dropped when he realized how much he still felt for her when she could barely remember him.

“Where did you fetch all this?” She asked while serving herself some salad.

“A nearby pub.”

They ate in silence. Outside the night was falling and Steve started to feel tired. For the past few weeks sleep had been difficult to come to him. Tonight somehow he was hopeful he would be able to get some rest. This idea having Peggy close and their relative safety was reassuring to him. He might not know what the future held for them, nor if Peggy would ever start opening up but at least she was here, with him.

“So what’s your plan?” She finally broke the silence.

“Laying low. Taking it slow.”

She eyed him with curiosity.

“Don’t you want my intel on the Winter Soldier?” Her tone was still hard and she looked at him straight in the eyes to study his reaction.

“That’s not why I brought you here.”

“Really?” She lifted her brows, defying him.

“I want to find Bucky. I know you can help me.” He took a deep breath. “But we’re here for  _ you _ .”

She stopped commenting. Communicating with her was a challenge and Steve was careful with what he shared. He didn’t want to push too much, but he had to make his intentions clear. He also didn’t want to trigger anything in her, the way he did in the hotel room in Paris the night before.

“It’ll take as long as it will. But I want you to trust me.”

“I’ll never trust you.”

“You will.” He stated, sure of himself.

She stood up and unwrapped the towel from her head before dropping it on the chair behind her, letting her wet hair spread on her shoulders.

“Well, don’t get your hopes up too much.” She stated while walking to the stairs.

“Why did you came here with me then?” He called out and made her stop climbing up.

Her left hand was gripping at the stair rail, the other one forming a tight fist at her side. She paused for a short moment before taking up the stairs two by two. Steve heard the door of her room slam shut and took his head in his hand releasing a deep breath. The challenge he was facing felt like one of the hardest he had known ever since he woke up in the century.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! We're diving a little bit more into the heart of the story, let me know what you think <3


	3. Acquaintance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all of you who read and left kudos on the last chapter <3 Hope you enjoy this one.

The following days were quiet. Very quiet. Peggy spent most of her time in her bedroom, the door locked and barely talked to him when she was out. Steve let her have her space, it was an adjustment, even for him. But every time she was around him, he couldn’t stop watching her. It was beyond him and he knew it was obvious he was staring. Peggy noticed, there was no doubt in that although it didn’t seem that she locked herself in her room to avoid his scrutiny. When they were in the same room she didn’t seem to care. If Steve was perfectly honest with himself he’d say she was actually playing with him. The way she watched him in return, her eyes lingering on his face and his body. Her attitude was not closed off and her body language was definitely a bit more suggestive than it should be.

Steve had the internet installed and running with Sam’s help on the phone. The soldier wasn’t perfectly accustomed to modern technology but he was smart enough to set up something basic.

His contacts with home base were sporadic, he didn’t want to completely disappear but also couldn’t talk with anyone beside Sam and Natasha about his current location. His team mates had created a cover for him with a phony mission. Something along the lines of observing a European organization that potentially was undercover HYDRA. Natasha asked for Clint’s help who had been made aware that Cap needed a cover, but she didn’t share the specifics. They both forged and created fake intelligence on that said-organization. The excuse might not last for long but it at least would buy some time for Steve to break through Peggy.

In the meantime Sam was still looking for Bucky and following leads in Europe. Nothing solid was in the horizon and Steve had hope that after a little while he could get Peggy involved. But for now his focus was on her recovery. 

He busied himself with mundane tasks in their little house. He started by fixing the barn doors and roof. It was a small stone barn behind the main house that was mostly used for storage. It was packed with gardening and other tools. It allowed him to be busy for a few hours. It was still warm for the season but autumn was already upon them and in the countryside they’ll need to be able to store some wood in a dry place if they wanted to use the fireplace to heat the house.

Steve realized he had no idea how long they would stay here. It had not even been a week yet but considering how uncooperative Peggy had been so far, it might take more time than he had anticipated.

The afternoon he started working on the barn’s doors, he noticed Peggy stepping out on the porch, a mug in her hand. She was wearing denim shorts with a plain grey t-shirt and was barefoot. He glanced up at her and they exchanged a silent look. Their eyes seemed to lock together and for a few seconds Steve couldn’t watch away. She didn’t either and he started to feel his heart rate accelerating before swallowing hard and turning back from her to continue his work.

She stayed there, perched on the porch railing, her feet dangling over the edge. The porcelain skin on her bare legs glistening under the afternoon sun. She didn’t move, just watched him, sipping at her drink. He tried to ignore it for half an hour or so until it became too much. He just couldn’t stand her scrutiny anymore. He started gathering his tools and saw her tilt her head to the side.

“Don’t stop on my account.” She told him from where she sat.

“I’m not.” He continued to clear the bench he set up outside the barn for his equipment.

“Am I making you uncomfortable?” 

He heard a hint of a smile in her voice. Clearly she was enjoying herself.

“Yes.” He might as well be honest.

“Why?”

“You know why.” 

Peggy jumped on the ground below her and set the mug on the railing. She walked on the grass towards him. He watched her on the corner of his eyes, trying to stay busy and ignore her.

“So you’re allowed to stare and I’m not? I quite like watching you too.”

“What?” He was surprised this time, not because she admitted this fact specifically but because her voice sounded far less calculating than usual.

“You’re pretty easy on the eyes.” She set the tip of her fingers on the side of his chin and turned his head toward her. 

She was standing close, very close and Steve immediately took a few steps back too aware of what turn the situation could take if he let her continue. There was no way he would participate to that kind of game. Not now. Not as long as she couldn’t remember who she was, he tried to convince himself. 

Peggy rolled her eyes at him, looking more bored than annoyed and turned on her heels to walk towards the house.

“You’re all muscle and no fun.” She slammed the door of the house, leaving a dumbfounded Steve behind her. 

He closed his eyes trying to regain his composure. If that was where the situation was going, it might get even harder than he had planned.

…   
  


Later that night he was surprised to see her coming down to share his dinner. He had been bringing her meals up these last few days. She never answered his knocks and he usually left the tray by her bedroom door. Most of the time he found the tray the morning after on the kitchen table where she probably brought it during the night.

Apparently tonight she was ready to finally eat in his company. They didn’t talk much, beside Peggy asking why he was fixing the barn. He told her he needed to be occupied. She just nodded, not asking more. She also wondered if he bought their diner at the same pub. Apparently she was getting bored of it and offered to go grocery shopping the following day. Steve wasn’t sure if he should agree or ask to go with her. After all if she wanted to leave she had every occasion, there was no need to cover her escape with a shopping trip. She wasn’t a prisoner and Steve made it clear. She was here on her own accords.

After dinner she didn’t help Steve clean up the dishes and walked back up to her room. For the second time that night, he was confounded to see her coming back down and settle herself on the couch in the living room. She had a tablet with her and yelled from the living room asking for the wifi password. 

He ended up sitting on the armchair next to the sofa and they spend the evening in silence, both reading from where they were. Steve glanced discreet at Peggy from time to time but he tried not to stare this time. 

She closed her tablet after a few hours and stood up from the couch.

“I’m going to bed.” 

“Good night Peggy.” He said before thinking.

She froze for a moment, her back to him. Her muscles were tense and Steve knew he shouldn’t have called her that.

“Good night.” She said in a quick breath before leaving the room hastily.

Steve cursed under his breathe. He had been careful not to call her Peggy until she was ready to hear her name. She had refused to tell him the name HYDRA gave her. She said she had none. Steve did not necessarily believed it, everyone has a name or at least a code name but he didn’t press further. He wanted to ask Natasha, even if the spy wouldn’t probably reveal it. That was only to feed his curiosity. He didn’t need to know the name HYDRA gave her. He wanted Peggy to confide in him by telling him. And moreover to allow to be called Peggy. Before then he tried his best not to let it slip, until tonight.

Hopefully that rookie mistake wouldn’t get in the way of the progress they made. Sometimes it felt like he was trying to deal with a stray cat, feral and to be honest quite mean. The image made him laugh internally. He shook his head and followed Peggy’s steps upstairs to his own room.

…

It was around 8 am when Steve finally emerged. He had practically slept the whole night, which was a first in weeks. He turned and tossed for a few hours in the single bed he occupied until sleep finally crept in and for once he didn’t wake up multiple times during the night.

Downstairs Steve immediately noticed that the front door was open. His heart dropped. Peggy’s room was closed when he stepped out of his so he couldn’t know if she was still upstairs or not. Nothing else in the house seemed out of place but that didn’t mean an intruder hadn’t entered. He very quietly reached for the firearm he kept in a drawer in the kitchen and slowly walked to the front door.

When he peeked outside, Peggy was sitting on the porch’s steps, her back to him. He let out a relieved sigh and put the gun in the back of his jeans, hiding it with his t-shirt. 

“It’s just me. You can put back the gun in the cupboard.” Peggy said while exhaling smoke from a cigarette he just noticed she was smoking.

“You want some coffee?” He asked. There was no point on acknowledging she knew about the gun, nor that she heard him even when he had been quiet. She was a spy and a damn good one, of course she had searched the house at some point without him noticing.

“Yes, thank you.” She didn’t even bother to turn around.

When Steve walked back outside, she had finished smoking and the cigarette was out in an ashtray next to her. She moved it from where it was set on the first step and Steve took it as an invitation to sit there.

She didn’t commented and only took the burning mug out of his hands.

“Sorry I didn’t think of offering you tea.” Steve commented, remembering her drinking tea more often than coffee from what he recalled.

“That’s okay, I don’t like tea.” Her tone was surprisingly normal that morning. Not that it was particularly warm but there was no animosity, she was just stating facts.

“Really?”

“Why?”

“I just remember you used to favor tea over coffee during the war.”

She stayed quiet, blinking a couple of times like she was trying to search her memories. She swallowed hard and took another sip of the dark liquid. 

“You smoke?” Steve wanted to keep the conversation open.

“You disapprove?” She batted her eyelashes innocently at him, her flirting self back again, to Steve’s displeasure. He hated when she was playing coy for no reason other than destabilize him. 

But damn, she was beautiful when she looked at him that way.

“Don’t worry smoking won’t kill me.” 

He frowned at her statement. 

“I got some of the same annoying healing abilities you also have.” She continued.

“Why is that annoying?” He asked curiously. The fact that she shared this with him was very encouraging.

“Because it makes it harder for me to die.” She answered darkly looking down at the mug in her hands. 

Steve was stunned and didn’t know what to tell her after that. What the fuck happened to her that she was contemplating dying? Yes she was captured and probably tortured by HYDRA, they wiped her memory, changed her into… into someone he wasn’t sure he understood. But death? The Peggy he knew would fight the hell out before diving into such dark thoughts. But again, this wasn’t the Peggy he knew.

“You want to come to the grocer’s with me today?”

Steve was still a bit troubled by her last statement so he just nodded.

…

They both were quiet during the car ride. Steve parked in front of the supermarket in the outskirts of town. It was still early on a saturday morning and the store wasn’t crowded. He let Peggy pick out what she wanted. A lot of it was simple food, nothing fancy or that needed too much preparation. And wine. He suspected she wasn’t really into cooking and apparently into house chores either, considering he was doing pretty much everything from cleaning to keeping the house tidy. Not that he complained, at least it kept him busy.

When she went into the lady grooming section he let her wandered, waiting in the aisle by the shopping cart. He texted Sam, letting him know Peggy seemed more willing to talk but was still closed off.

_ Try cracking a joke from time to time. You know, like a normal human being. _ Sam sent back.  

Steve snorted. He knew he had a reputation of having a dry sense of humor or a total lack of, depending on who was in front of him. Sam knew Steve actually was a pretty sarcastic person and kind of liked messing around with him to make him laugh.

When they went to the vegetable and fruit section, a lady working at the store recognized Steve from his previous visits.

“I see you brought your wife this time.” She said cheerfully looking at Peggy.

Steve was about to correct her when Peggy hooked her arms possessively around his bicep. 

“I caught a bit of a cold when we arrived here, but finally this one let me out of the house.” Peggy answered with a thick british accent.

“Oh I’m sorry about that.” The woman smiled at her.

Peggy leaned even closer onto Steve’s body, gripping at his arm with both hands. Steve’s hold on the cart tightened. He was not comfortable with feeling her so close to him.

“We just moved here. We love the country so much.” She continued to tell the woman with a light tone he never heard her take. She was playing her part pretty well.

“How lovely! Where did you move from?”

“Boston, in the States. I was so homesick and we thought England would be so much better to raise a family, right my darling?”

Steve’s heart dropped. He couldn’t look at her. He didn’t want to see the loving look he assumed she had put on. It would hurt too much.

“You have children?” The woman continued.

“Not yet.” Peggy lifted up her hand to put it on Steve’s cheek and looked at him lovingly. The warmth of her hand on his skin left like it could burn him. That was just cruel.

“We should get going.” Steve said dryly.

“Well I hope we’ll see around more often.” The woman cheerfully sent them off.

“Thank you,” Peggy dropped to read the woman’s tag, “Elisabeth.”

They walked slowly towards the cashiers. Steve pulled away from her hold harshly.

“That was unnecessary.” He said without looking at her.

“Yes but it was fun seeing you all flustered.” 

They unloaded the grocery from the cart and paid before Steve rushed her outside, pushing her by her elbow. She didn’t bulged and appeared pretty satisfied by her little show. 

Steve was boiling and he just wanted to get away as fast as possible. He was mad at her. He knew he had every right to be, but that didn’t change the fact that she couldn’t care less. Which made him feel desperately sad. 


	4. Remembrance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ARE YOU ALL HYPED AND F-ING SHOOK BY THE IW TRAILER??! 'Cause I definitely am. Yup. I've been obsessing about it since yesterday. I can't imagine the state I'm gonna be in when the movie's released hahaha *nervous laughter* *drops on the floor into fetal position*
> 
> Anyway here's a new chapter to celebrate :) And by the way Steve definitely has a light stubble at this point of the story. I haven't mentioned it yet but yeah, he does. Pretty much like this if you want a mental image: http://bit.ly/2j3tWeW
> 
> I hope you enjoy! And thank you for everyone who read this, leave kuddos and comments. You make me sooo happy every time I have a new comment, you have no idea :) Love you and get ready for angst-fest!

After a few days it became easier to communicate with her. She was still acting provocatively sometimes. Giving him hard looks or suggestive ones. He wasn’t sure what she was trying to accomplish there. She wasn’t either probably. She seemed to just want to make him lose his temper. Thankfully Steve could be reckless when it came to his missions but he could also be very cautious if need be.

He went back to work on the stone barn, he actually was almost finished when Peggy walked out of the house with a plate of cookies. Steve had finished the door repairs and it made a mess, sawdust was covering the ground. He was washing the cemented pathway to the barn with a gardening hose while he watched her walk to him. She was wearing skinny black jeans and her usual grey v-neck top tucked in emphasizing her curves.

“You actually didn’t need to do that.” She pointed at the hose. “It’s going to rain soon.”

“How’d you know?”

She looked up to the sky and back at him. “I just know.”

The simplicity of their exchange made Steve smile. And she returned the smile. He had stopped being so surprised at her showing up her emotions more easily. It usually didn’t last for long and this instance wasn’t different, her smile flattered quickly and her features hardened slightly. But it was still something.

“Brought you a snack.” She put the plate on the bench next to him.

“Thanks. Did you bake those?”

She laughed sharply. 

“Yeah, no, you don’t want me anywhere near the kitchen.”

Steve took a cookie, engulfing it quickly before wiping his hand on his pants. He was wearing a tank top and a dirty pair of jeans he only used for outdoor work. He caught her staring at him, her eyes lingering on his bare arms. There was lust in her eyes, he was sure of it and for the first time he allowed her to watch, not turning away. He even looked at her while she was doing it. When their eyes locked together, he had to exhale and concentrate on his breathing to hold back on walking the few steps that separated them to… he wasn't sure what I'd do then.

The water was still pouring from the hose but Steve wasn't aiming at anything in particular. When he felt the water hitting the bottom of his jeans, he jumped, taken away from his scrutiny.

“Well it does need a good wash.” She teased him, making a face at the filthiness of his pants. 

“Oh really?” Steve lifted up one eyebrow and angled the water in her direction. He quickly lifted the hose high enough to soak her, almost immediately putting it down. But the damage was done. Her shirt was soaking wet before she had time to jump back genuinely surprised.

She looked down at her dripping shirt and when she lifted her head to watch Steve, her mouth was still hanging open.

“You, ass.” She said with a smirk forming on her lips.

Steve had a smug smile of his own on his face. She started walking toward him when he lifted the hose back up for the water to land right in front of her feet.

“Mm-mm.” He shook his head.

“What? You're afraid I’d take that from you and retaliate?”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of.” 

“Nothing else?” Her voice became huskier and she slowly took a few steps towards him, not bothering with the water wetting her some more. Her soaked shirt was clinging on the curves of her breasts, revealing the laced fabric of her bra under it. 

Steve suddenly felt a twitch in his belly and when she was only inches from him, he let the hose turn to the ground away from her, completely forgetting about it.

They didn't had time to do anything before a loud thunder resonated in the sky. Heavy rain almost instantaneously started pouring over them.

Steve encircled Peggy’s shoulders to take her inside the barn. It only took a few seconds but they were already dripping, in addition to the mess Steve's already made on Peggy. 

Steve let go of her but kept one hand on her shoulder.  A few drops of water rolled from her wet hair on her forehead and she was smiling. There was something blissful in it that made Steve’s stomach flutter ever so lightly. Seeing her full lips stretched out into a beautiful smile was more attractive than he ever thought it could be.

“See, I told you. Rain.” 

Steve snorted. “Yeah, yeah you were right. How did you do that?”

“I'm always right Captain Rogers. Always. And I spent summers in East Sussex when I was growing up. I can smell rain.” She said almost lightly. 

Steve’s heart immediately tightened in his chest and he stood still, his hand resting on her shoulder. The feeling a bliss was immediately replaced by the shock of the surprised. He looked at her dumbfounded. 

Peggy grew uneasy and detached herself from him, she didn't seemed to realized what she had just said.

“What?” 

“You- You called me ‘Captain Rogers’.” He hesitated to continue, still stricken.

“So what?” She opened her eyes widely, asking but also seeming to recall her previous statement.

“You haven't called me that since the war.”

She frowned. “That doesn't mean anything.”

Without thinking he came closer and settled his hand on her cheek.

“And you talked about your childhood.”

She pushed his hand away and took a few steps back, panic flashing through her eyes.

“That doesn't mean anything.” She repeated. “It's facts. It was all in the files.”

“It's okay. It's okay if you start to remember.” His tone was as soft and warm as he could managed right now.

“I don't!” She yelled above the sound of thunder outside and pushed him with both hands on his chest with all her force. 

Despise her sudden attack Steve practically didn't move, he merely took a step back.

They stayed silent, looking at each other. Steve's eyes full of hope and Peggy looking more confused than he's ever seen her. Her eyes were roaming everywhere on Steve's face, like she was looking for answers. For the very first time Steve felt hope. A real and overwhelming hope to get her back.

“I don't remember. I don't know why I said that.” She tried to justify. “It just came out.”

“Maybe it's starting to come back to you. Unconsciously. Maybe the memories won't come back bright as day, all at once, you'll get just little glimpses like this. Just sensations.”

“Or not. I'm mimicking what I read in the files. Just like when you're a child and someone tells you an old story, you start thinking you have memories of it even if it didn't happen to you.” She explained, shaking her head like she was trying to convince herself.

“You said you could smell rain. You were right.”

She looked up at him. He couldn’t be sure but it seemed like something hopeful went through her eyes and Steve came in closer to her putting his hand back on her cheek lightly. Her breathing was labored now, she looked genuinely troubled. The distress in her features made him want to hold her, to kiss her, to make her understand this was okay. This was good. 

Her hand reached up to cover his and her confusion turned into something else. A question. An invitation. 

Steve was pulled toward her by an invisible force, an attraction he felt ever since he meet her decades ago. An attraction that never flattered, even when she was returned to him a completely different woman. He has always known deep inside that she was still there, under the layers of manipulation, under her silences and the ruthless looks. Her eyes didn’t lie in that moment. Peggy’s hand moved to settle on his chest as he leaned in and brushed his lips on hers. 

Steve's kiss was soft, tender, he didn't want to startle her. Her lips were inviting and the taste of her almost made him want to cry. It was everything he recalled from when she kissed him before  jumping in that damned plan.

She didn't move, didn't push him away and she even hummed against his lips, it sounded almost like a sob. When he pulled away, her eyes were wide open, looking at him earnestly. 

“Don't do this,” she said, her voice just above a whisper.

“What?”

“Don't get your hopes up. I might never remember my feelings for you.”

“I don't care about that.” He shook his head, and corrected himself. “No, no that's a lie. I want you to remember me. I want you to tell me why you kissed me before I jumped on that damned plane. I want you to tell that what we had was real. That you wanted me as much as I wanted you. That's everything I want.”

“I kissed you?” 

“Yeah. Yeah you did, moments before I went in the ice. And— in front of Colonel Phillips.” He smiled, recalling the moment like it had happened yesterday.

“That was not in the report.” She said pensively.

“Well Phillips was pretty uncomfortable when it happened, I guess he chose not to include it.”

The hand on his chest was trembling and she opened her mouth slightly. Steve couldn’t take his eyes from the beautiful curves of her lips, the taste still fresh on his. He exhaled, ready to pull away completely before it would be too late. She looked startled enough as it was he didn’t want to add to the confusion. And he also wasn’t sure if he would be able to stop if this went any further.

She spoke before he could step back.

“Make me remember.”

Her hands traveled to his neck and this time she kissed him. It wasn’t soft and tempered. She kissed him deeply, her tongue finding its way between his lips immediately. Steve groaned and put his hands on the back of her head and around her middle to pulled her closer. Her hands were roaming in his hair, desperately clutching at him. She leaned into him, her breasts pressed on his chest through the wet fabric of her shirt. Steve had to break the kiss completely out of breath, before he could feel too dizzy from her taste and her scent and the feel of her body against his. 

Her lips were red and swollen, her eyes hooded with want. She never looked more beautiful. Steve’s heart felt so tight in his chest it almost hurt. But that couldn’t happen that way. Not here, not in a dusty old barn, under a cold storm and with Peggy still not remembering what they had and what they were for each other. 

She kept clinging at him and clearly didn’t want to stop. When he gently tried to prevent her to kiss him again, he saw the darkness return in her eyes. Before he could really pull away she pressed herself closer, reaching out between his legs and cupping him firmly.

He hissed between his teeth at the sensation of her touch on his aching length. God it felt too good, it felt exactly like what he needed right now but he just couldn't allow it. It would be way too selfish.

“Stop it, Peggy.” He took her wrist tightly and moved her hand away. 

“What? I’m not good enough for you? You’d rather have her? You rather have  _ your Peggy _ ?” She told him harshly. 

“No, no that’s not—” He tried to protest, already regretting the whole situation, before she cut him off.

“Well she’s not coming back. I’m all you’re getting and you better get used to it or just leave me.”

She immediately stepped back, snatching her hand away. She watched him from head to toe giving him a look full of hatred, that he could swore was also filled with misery. She draw a last shaky breath and left the barn slamming the door open and running under the rain toward the house. 

“Wait!” He just had time to call out before she was already walking the porch’s steps. 

He started running after her and once he got inside, she was already climbing up the stairs leaving water stains on the floor in her wake.

“Please, wait!” 

Steve followed her until he was in front of her open bedroom door.

She was standing in the middle of the room, her back to him. Her hair was a mess and she was dripping on the wooden floor, just like he was in the corridor.

“Peggy…” He whispered.

“I told you that’s not my name.” She cut him sternly without turning around.

“Then what’s your name?” Steve asked quietly. 

“It’s the first time you really ask me.” She turned her head to the side so he could see her profile.

Steve entered the room for the first time since they set foot on this house. He stood behind her and encircled his arms around her middle. She immediately leaned back onto him, almost pressing her whole weight like she couldn’t support her own body. She closed her eyes accepting the embrace. Steve’s hold tightened and he nuzzled his nose in her hair. He knew it was not the right thing to do, especially not after what happened in the barn but he just couldn’t stop himself from being close to her. His touch was tender and she was welcoming it. It almost felt like he broke through something and she was letting him in. This didn’t feel like a mistake at all.

God knows how long they stood still in the middle of the bedroom, until a shiver passed through her body.

“You’re freezing. I’ll run you a bath.” He whispered, his lips nearly an inch from the skin of her neck.

She nodded, a lock of her hair brushed against Steve’s lips and he reluctantly detached himself from her.

He went in the bathroom and she followed silently. She watched him fill the tub, testing the water under his fingers. The room was filled with silent and somehow the tension between them was gone. She wrapped her arms around herself, waiting for the tub to fill itself while Steve was pouring some shower gel under the water stream to create a thick and scented foam. Steve stared at the warm water running from the faucet, a damp steam enveloping them and the noise covering the sound of the rain outside.

When he shut it off, satisfied with the water level in the tub he turned around to see her starting to remove her top. He quickly averted his eyes and motioned to leave the room.

She stopped him in his track.

“Stay here.” She ordered softly. 

He looked at her face, the need in her eyes raw with her desire to keep him close to her. He just nodded and closed the door to keep the warm inside. He waited, his back to her until he heard Peggy immerse herself in the water. When he tentatively took a glimpse above his shoulder she was laying in the water, her head dropped on the wall behind her, eyes closed. The soapy foam created a deep dip between the valley of her breasts, hiding just enough so he could only make the outline of her curves. He let out a shuddering breath and sat down next to the tub, facing her and leaving a knee up to rest his arm on it. His other hand settled on the bathtub’s edge and Peggy’s own hand emerged out of the water to wrapped around his. He let her drown it in the warm liquid. He couldn’t stop himself from caressing her knuckles under the water, his fingertips easily sliding on her delicate skin.

She was watching him intensely but didn’t say anything. She didn’t tried to hide the turmoil of her thoughts from appearing on her face. He knew then that she was just as lost as the day she fought him in her hotel room in Paris. He wished she would stop fighting her memories. He hoped she would finally let herself recall who she was. Who he was.  _ Please, let me help you _ , he thought and focused his gaze on her lips. Her beautiful full lips he just tasted moments ago.

He lost track of time and eventually the water started to run cold. He finally stood up, removing his hand from hers, his skin wrinkled and soft. He put out a new towel from the cabinet and opened it in front of him to hid her body when she stepped out of the bath. He wrapped her in the fabric, holding her to him for just a second, knowing her naked body was just under there, so close, so so close. He detached himself from her and left the room hastily. He just couldn’t take it anymore. It was a fight he knew he would eventually lose. His brain versus his body. His reason versus his heart. 

He closed the door of the bathroom behind him slowly and stayed there for a second, his hand on the handle, ready to come back in if she asked him. It was foolish and he knew he should have immediately left her bedroom to avoid the temptation. 

But he stayed, just for a minute. She didn’t call him back in. 


	5. Provocation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is pretty long, longer than I usually post anyway. I just couldn’t cut it, it wouldn’t have the same impact. So I hope you enjoy this long treat! Consider it my Christmas present ;)  
> I hope everyone had an amazing holiday if you celebrate it and a wonderful weekend if not!

The morning after was quiet. She didn’t speak much during breakfast but she came down to have it with him. She stepped out after. He didn’t follow her. He wasn’t sure how to react with her after the event of the night before. They spent the day on separate rooms in the house and almost didn’t cross each other. Until the evening came, they eat together in the kitchen in silence and she went upstairs to go to bed.

When he followed her steps a few moments later, her bedroom door was wide open. She never left it open. He took hesitating steps to stand just outside, watching the threshold between the corridor and the wooden floor of her bedroom like it was an invisible line he was about the cross and never come back from. He purposely let the floor crack under his shoes to let her know he was there, waiting. Waiting for her invitation.

Peggy was laying under the covers, her back to him. He could only see her free hair cascading over a silky black camisole and the pale skin of her bare shoulder.

She pulled her arm out from under the sheets and without turning reached for the cover behind her and opened it slightly. The invitation he was waiting for. 

After the events of the previous night, it was clear that Steve was weak when it came to her. Now more than ever. For a second his feet wouldn’t work, he stayed frozen in place knowing very well that this was the limit he shouldn’t cross. But they finally moved. His body and heart took over from his brain and reason.

Steve removed his shoes and socks in the way to her bed, leaving them scattered in his wake and he pulled down his pants before sliding under the covers behind her.

He laid on his side, watching the back of her head. She didn’t move for long minutes until she scooted back to get closer to him. He opened his arm and let her settle against his body, closing his eyes to take the sensation in. She wiggled a little until she was satisfied and she grabbed his hand to pull his arm over her.

As he did the night before he nuzzled his nose in her hair, breathing her scent, letting himself overflown with the comforting feeling of having her so close to him. She shivered and he flattened his hand on the space between her breasts and belly to pull her nearer. 

Despise the utter strangeness of the situation, Steve was sure they would make it through. The up and downs of her mood, the glimpses of memories she seemed to experience, he saw them as signs, as a promise that it would get better. That she would return to him. He was fully aware she wouldn’t be the woman he meet so many years ago. She wouldn’t be the same, never. He had made peace with it. But he wanted to build something with her, something new, something beautiful, he was sure of that. So sure it was actually liberating. No matter how different, she was still the only woman he wanted to hold in his arms at night.

They fell asleep without saying a word to each other. When he woke from a full night sleep, he was alone in her bed. But after a few seconds of listening to the silent house, he could hear her starting the coffee machine in the kitchen downstairs and he smiled.

…

The house gradually became a safe place for both of them and as time went by it seemed easier to spend moments together during the day and the evening. They often ended up on the couch, reading next to each other. There was no television in the living room, just an old cd player, which still felt like luxury appliance for him. During his last trip to the grocery store Steve bought a few CDs. The choice hadn’t been plentiful but it was enough for them to fill the room with some background music in the evenings. 

After the night they spent together in the same bed, Steve hadn’t set foot in her bedroom again. The events of the previous days had prompted him to search for closeness but he decided against repeating the experience. He wanted to avoid the temptation. He knew how her lips tasted like, how her hands felt on him. And he couldn’t know if he would be able to refrain himself to capture more of her. 

Peggy left her bedroom door open most of the time now. And Steve was fighting as hard as he could not to take up the hint. She never mentioned it out loud when they woke up and he was glad. But he noticed she grew a little moody in the mornings now, often having breakfast in silence before heading outside immediately after without even a glance at him. 

After a few days it passed and she wasn’t as cold. Her door remained open at night.

Even if the atmosphere between them was lighter, the house started to feel stuffy, like the walls were closing slowly on them. His work outside was done, he started storing wood in the barn. And it was starting to get too cold to spend time elsewhere than inside. 

Steve contemplated an idea for a couple of nights before asking. 

“Wanna go have a drink at the pub tonight?”

Peggy closed the tablet on her lap.

“You’re asking me on a date?” She lifted her head and batted a bit her lashes at him.

Steve winced. He knew it could have gone down that road and he hated that he was right. There was nothing flirtatious about his request but she had to turn his words against him. He just sighed and gave her a stern look.

She rolled her eyes and stood up to face him. 

“It was a joke, loosen up a bit, will you?” She started heading upstairs. “Yes, let’s get out of that house and have a drink.” 

This moments were a good reminder for Steve to still be careful and to not let his guard down around her.

…

The pub wasn’t exactly crowded. It was a wednesday night so the patrons seemed to be regulars. They all watched Steve and Peggy as they walked inside. Peggy held her head high and headed straight to the bartender. Steve on the other hand kept his head down, a baseball cap and a pair of fake prescription glasses on. He had been off the global news for a few months now and they might have been in a small town in England’s countryside there was still a risk for him to be recognized. He had to be discreet when in public. 

The small crowd definitely noticed Peggy. She was wearing skinny jeans that hugged her curves, with a pair of boots with high heels and a deep V neck blouse. She looked gorgeous and she knew it. There didn’t walk further than a few steps in the bar and Steve’s mood was already foul.

They both sat down on the bar stools. Peggy ordered a vodka on the rocks while Steve settled for a simple pinte. His beer was a bit warm and he winced at the taste. Peggy was sipping at her drink and watched him attentively.

“Not to your taste?”

“It’s fine.” He answered curtly.

“You’re not planning on getting me drunk, are you soldier?”

His jaw clenched when she called him ‘soldier’. There was definitely a flirtatious tone in her question and Steve sighed, not looking at her. 

“You do whatever you want.” He mumbled.

“Why so moody? I thought you wanted to get out of the house?” She sounded a bit annoyed too now.

“I did. And we’re out now. So have your drink and we’ll get back.”

“You’ll get back if you want. I’m planning on having a fun time tonight.” She finished her drink in one go and slammed the glass on the bar.

A couple of customers turned to look at her and one of them even clapped his hands. The barman looked her up and down. “Another one?” He asked, looking both at Peggy and Steve.

“Hit me.” She jerked her chin at him and extended her glass. 

Steve worried his frown with his fingers while nursing his beer with the other hand. So much for keeping discreet.

“Oh darling, will you relax a bit for me? Finish your bloody beer and join me with a real drink.” Peggy cooed at him. 

Steve shook his head to the barman who was waiting for his answer. The man shrugged and turned around to prepare Peggy’s drink.

“Don’t bother, I can't get drunk.” He whispered flatly.

“Really?” She sounded surprised.

Steve was about to tell her she knew this, before stopping himself. She didn’t know it actually. That was information he shared during the war, before she was captured by HYDRA.

“That’s something I’m supposed to know, right?” She asked him when he kept silent.

“Yeah.” Steve took another sip of his beer to avoid elaborating on the subject.

The bartender came back with her vodka and she watched it for a moment like she was assessing getting drunk or not now with the new information Steve just shared.

“You really can’t get drunk?” She insisted.

“No I can’t. I mean,” he changed his ton to a softer one so no one would hear beside her, “Thor once brought some liquor from Asgard. I was slightly buzzed for an hour or so. But regular alcohol, even the strongest, don’t have any effect on me.”

“What a bummer. I was hoping you’d finally come back to my bed tonight.” She took a large gulp of her drink.

Steve’s jaws clenched. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He stated.

Peggy looked at him and a small smirk appeared on her face. She was going to keep doing this. Provoking him. Seducing him. He knew very well that she was going to be successful at some point. When it came to Peggy this past few weeks have definitely taught him that he was weak and couldn’t hold off being close to her for long. 

He had to try something else. 

“Listen,” he started again, “I’m not hoping to get the old Peggy back like you said the other day. I just want you to trust me. I just want to help you remember who you are. And if that never happens then I’m still here. In the meantime you have to figure this out. You don’t have to go back at being an HYDRA agent. You can be whoever you want. I’ll be here for you. ” 

So far honestly had worked. It might sometimes have gotten too far and triggered Peggy like the last couple of times he had tried to tell her how he felt, but tonight he was willing to risk it. The bad mood he was in certainly had something to do with his bluntness.

This time though, Peggy watched him carefully and didn’t snap. At least not immediately. 

“Why?” Her question was short and brutal.

“You know why.”

“I’m not the woman you loved.” She finally admitted.

Steve focused on her and didn’t let his eyes drift from hers. He didn’t want to say it out loud. That he would always love her, not matter what she had become. Because deep down inside she was Peggy Carter. The most beautiful strong, smart and determined woman he’s ever met. Under the damage done by HYDRA, there was a pain and desperation to learn who she really was. He had no idea why she wouldn’t admit it now. It was so clear ever since that night she broke down in his arms and when she let him soothe her in the comfort of her bed. Something was still preventing her from admitting it. He had to understand what it was.

She was the one to finally break eye contact. She looked at the glass in her hands and set it aside, apparently deciding she wasn’t going to get wasted tonight.

She slid out of the stool with feline grace and lifted up her eyes to him. 

“You’re holding on to something that’s not there anymore. I don’t believe you still love me.”

Steve snorted.

“You have no idea how wrong you are.” He finished his beer.

“I’m never wrong.” She was gripping the back of the stool with his right hand and Steve noticed her jaw clenched. There was so much anger inside her. He hated it but he was tired of navigating around it. Tonight he was keeping to the truth even if she didn’t like it.

“Well, no matter how much you believe you understand me, you don’t know shit about what you and I have shared in the past. Trust me, when you’ll remember you’ll see I’m right.”

“Then why won’t you be with me?” She asked defiantly. 

“I told you. You need to figure this out first. For yourself. For us.”

“What if I don’t want to figure anything out? What if I don’t want to remember?”

“Well, you’re just lying then. You wouldn’t be here with me if that was the case.” 

A flash of hate went through her eyes.

“I don’t lie.”

Steve looked around him, so far they had managed to keep their conversation private thanks to the noise of the tv on the other side of the counter and the little crowd that was here tonight. But he could see she was starting to raise her voice slightly. 

He knew she was doing it on purpose, there were very little things that she did inadvertently he realized. Even if it didn’t seem so. Right now she was probably contemplating the idea to make him snap. Just like she did at the supermarket or when she tried to force herself to him in the barn. 

For a long time he just thought that this was her ways. That for so long she had manipulated him that she needed to exercise her dominance over him. It was so far from the truth. She was testing him. Pushing to see how far he’d go, what he really felt for her. She genuinely didn’t believe he still loved her. She needed the confirmation. 

“Come on, let’s go back.” He stood to stand next to her and when he gently reach to her wrist she knocked his hand away.

“I’m not leaving.” She leaned onto him, so close to his face, her ton hard and almost menacing. “Don’t touch me like that ever again.” 

“Do we have a problem here?” The bartender asked.

She smiled brightly, completely changing her attitude.

“My friend here is a buzzkill tonight. I want to have fun. Do you have darts?” She said out loud for the entire bar to hear her voice taking an octave higher. 

Once the bartender gave her the game of dart and pointed at the board on the opposite wall, she turned around and slayed her way between the tables.

“Who wants to play?” She asked out loud when two of the younger men in the crowd stood up and joined her.

Steve stayed at the bar and turned around to face the barman again.

“Give me a bourbon.”

“We have whisky here, mate.” 

“Whatever.” Steve ducked his head trying to ignore the sounds of Peggy giggling like a schoolgirl at the back of the bar. 

“Your girlfriend is a feisty lady. You better watch out.” The man commented looking in her direction.

“She’s not my girlfriend.” Steve was avoiding to engage in a conversation with him.

“You’re American mate?” The bartender asked curiously.

“Canadian.” Hopefully that would help in not associating him with his public persona. 

Steve took the glass of whisky and turned around in his stool to put an end to the exchange. The man was actually pretty friendly but Steve was not here to make friends. 

After twenty minutes of Peggy putting on a show of flirting with the two men who were playing with her, Steve was reaching his limit. He couldn’t handle to see these two guys watching her like she was a piece of meat. She was allowing them just enough to piss Steve off and to keep control of the situation. It was still too much for Steve.

He still held the now empty glass of whisky in his hand, resting his elbow on the counter. She didn’t seem to even acknowledge his scrutiny. But he knew better. Everything she was doing was calculated. She seemed to get some sick pleasure out of his uneasiness. He fucking hated this.

When one of the two man held her waist to help her position herself when shooting the dart, Steve’s hold on the glass tighten. The man then nuzzled his nose in her neck while she was giggling even louder. The glass shattered under Steve’s squeezing fingers.

It made all the heads in the bar turned around to look at him. He just kept fixating Peggy for a second and immediately saw the very brief but still noticeable smirk that drew on her face.

Steve apologized to the bartender and helped pick up the broken glass on the floor.

Peggy pushed away the two men and walked towards Steve.

“What happen—” She started asking.

Steve slammed some bills on the counter and grabbed her by the arm. “We’re going.”

“Hey pal, what the fuck you think you’re doing?” One of the two men who played with Peggy asked behind. But Steve already shoved Peggy outside and let go of her arm before opening the car parked in front of the bar.

“Get in.” He ordered trying to ignore Peggy’s satisfied smile.

The short ride to the house happened to be completely silent. Steve was preparing himself for her to bark at him, or worse. She didn’t. She kept quiet and still next to him. 

When they walked in the house. Steve removed his shoes and put his coat on the wall hooks hastily while Peggy took her time to remove hers. He didn’t have the chance to take a step in the kitchen when he heard her behind him.

“I knew you were the jealous type.” She commented with a satisfied ton.

He froze. 

“So that’s what you were trying to accomplish?” He turned around to ask harshly. “Getting me jealous? What that’d prove huh? That I’m in love with you?”

“Maybe.” She tilted her head to the side like she was studying him.

“That’s not news, you know it.” He said angrily.

“Do I?” She started walking slowly towards him, her voice low and soft.

“Stop that.” He gritted his teeth but didn’t move.

“You hated it right? Seeing these men with their hands on me. His mouth grazing my skin.”

“Stop.” Steve closed his eyes and shook his head.

“Why? Why did you get all worked up for that?”

Steve resented himself in playing her game but when he opened his eyes determined to put an end to it, here she was. Only a few inches away from him. Her lips plucked and full and inviting. Her eyes searching for his, roaming on his face like he was the most desirable person she’s ever set eyes on. 

“Because I fucking love you.” He told her before sliding his hand behind her neck and pushing her towards him. She immediately moaned between his lips and let her tongue invade him. 

He was so weak when she was too close. 

Steve pushed her on the wall behind and let himself drown into the oblivion of her kiss. She grasped at his hair with one hand while another was holding him by the hook of his belt ready to break it open. She pressed herself against him and he let out an involuntary groan.

He broke the kiss then, panting and sweat dripping at the back of his neck. He didn’t move away just rested his head on her shoulder. 

It hurt. It hurt so fucking much to have her like that, under his hands, ready to give herself to him when actually she had no idea what she was doing. It wasn’t how it was supposed to be. It shouldn’t happened after she was playing games to get in bed with him. She didn’t realize that. It was not just sex, it was not just physical.

“We’re more than that.” Steve let out in a whisper that almost sounded like a sob.

“What?” She was surprised.

“You don’t get it.” He lifted his head to look at her in the eyes, setting his hand on her cheek. Her lips were swollen, her cheeks colored and her pupils so dilated it was like looking into a void of darkness.

Her breathing started to become uneven and Steve could see the panic filling her eyes under his scrutiny. Maybe it was the way he looked at her, maybe it was the realization that he truly, deeply loved her. 

“Let go of me.” She said without moving.

“Peggy…” He whispered.

“Don’t call me that.”

“Tell me what to call you then. I want to be able to say your name.” He was almost begging her. Pleading to let him love her as she should be loved.

Tears started to fill her eyes while Steve kept her in place, between his body and the wall. Her hand was still on his belt and he could feel it against his stomach, her other hand was gripping at the hair on the back of his head. Firmly but not enough to hurt. She was holding onto him, almost like a lifeline. If she let go he was pretty sure she would collapse. For the very first time in weeks she not just looked confused. She looked vulnerable. 

“Steve.” She murmured.

“Yes?” He asked just as quietly, his lips only a couple of inches away from hers. He desperately needed a sign from her. Something. Anything to understand why she was acting that way.

“I—.” She stopped herself. “I can’t—.” She let out breathless.

Steve realized that the panic was taking over her body. He pressed his hand on her cheek.

“Don’t worry. I’m here.” He whispered and pressed his lips gently on hers.

When he pulled out she let out a quick gasp and he picked her up in his arms. She immediately hooked her arms around his neck and let him carry her up to her bedroom.

When he settled her gently on her bed, she grabbed his bicep. 

“Stay with me.” She pleaded him.

“I don’t know, I don’t think—” He tried to protest.

“Please Steve. Please.” 

She sounded so desperate that Steve could only give in. For a second a contemplated the idea that it was all a plot, a clever scenario to put him in her bed, the act at the bar, the kiss, the way her body trembled in his arms just a minute before. But she couldn’t have faked the way she looked at him. He knew her too much for that.

He helped her remove her shoes and jeans before handing her the nightgown that was hanging at the back of the bathroom door. He turned around and remove his own jeans while she was changing. 

When she was ready he slide under the covers. Unlike they did a few nights ago Steve didn’t hold her. They didn’t touch, keeping to their side of the bed. They both laid on their backs, looking at the ceiling for a moment.

“I’m sorry.” She said quietly.

“For what?” He turned to look at her hoping for her to finally tell him what she felt. But she rolled on her side giving him her back. 

She stayed silent.

“It’s alright.” He finally told her and closed his eyes. 

…

In the morning, he woke up before the sun was even up. He stayed in the bed for a moment, watching the back of Peggy’s head. His fingers itching to touch her. 

He still had no idea if the night before had been a step forward or a complete disaster. It had shaken both of them for sure. He closed his eyes at the memory of the pain that kissing her made him feel. That was wrong. So wrong he had no idea if he could ever come back to that utter feeling of dishonesty.

Yet she tasted so good. He let out a shaky sigh.

Peggy seemed to have been caught up in her own game. By pushing him, she also pushed herself into a place she had no intention to go before starting this whole mess. It reached something.

It was excruciatingly frustrating, not knowing what happened inside her head. What triggered her last night? Did she recall something? Did it just rise back feelings to the surface that were buried by years of brainwashing? What did that mean for the future? Their future.

Steve finally got out of her bed. There was no way he would be able to go back to sleep now. 

He started by taking a hot shower for long minutes, his brain still trying to make sense of all this. He just put on a pair of sweatpants and went downstairs to make some coffee before getting dressed.

Peggy was already up and sitting in the kitchen. Steve stopped in surprise at the top of the stairs. She was just wearing a cardigan on top of her nightgown and sipping at a cup of coffee when she saw him. She seemed a little taken aback. 

“Oh. You’re awake.” He swallowed when he noticed her staring at his bare torso. “Sorry I— huh I’ll get dressed.”

“No.” She immediately cut him and lowered her head. “It’s fine, don’t bother on my account.”

She stood up with her cup of coffee in hand and walked toward Steve to take the stairs. He stepped aside to let her pass but finally stopped her by taking her wrist in his hand. It was a gentle touch like he was almost hesitating to do it. His fingers graze softly at the skin inside her wrist and she looks down at him.

“What happened last night?” Steve asked her.

“I just tried to provoke you. I was a jerk.” She said back, shaking her head. Steve frown at her answer. “That’s who I am.” She added with a small smile.

“I’m not talking about that. You…” He wanted to choose his words carefully. “You froze. After we— after our kiss. Something I said or did. I don’t know. What did you feel?”

His fingers kept on tracing the lines of her veins on her wrist and he noticed she was trying not to look at him. 

“I’m not sure I understand what’s happening to me. I never—” She paused. “I have to figure this out. You said so yourself.” She looked at him pleading to let her go.

“Alright.” He released her wrist, his fingers lingering on top of hers. “I’m here. If you need me.”

“I know.” She admitted quickly before climbing the stairs and going into her room.

Steve took a few deep breath and went to pour some coffee in a cup. He didn’t see her for the rest of the day. 


	6. Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! First chapter posted in 2018! Hope it's a good one :) Let me know what you think.
> 
> I have pretty much finished writing everything, the last two chapters are giving me a hard time though (and I might even have to split them in more chapters, they are much longer than I anticipated) so it's taking longer to post everything. I want to pace my posting at a good rhythm instead of publishing everything I have all at once and spend weeks before posting the last couple of chapters. I hope that's ok by you :) Enjoy and please leave kudos and comments <3

Steve was doing the dishes in the kitchen when he heard his phone buzzing on the coffee table in the living room where he left it earlier. Peggy was sitting on the couch, a glass of red wine in one hand and a book in this other. Drying his hands quickly he jogged to catch the call before it’d be too late. The couch had its back to the kitchen’s entrance, facing the small fireplace. Peggy was extending him back his phone without looking, still engrossed in her book.

“Thanks,” he said as he took the device from her hand.

She didn’t move and mumbled something inaudible. 

“Hey Nat,” Steve answered as he kept watching the back of Peggy’s head, “yeah, let me…” He started taking long walks to the front door. “Give me sec.” 

He put on his jacket with his free arm and exited the house.

“What’s up?” He finally asked her as he sat on the porch steps. 

“ _ You couldn’t talk with her in the room? _ ” 

“Huh, no, it’s just...” Steve started rambling on the phone, not exactly sure why he didn’t want to talk to Natasha in front of Peggy. 

“ _ Any secrets you wanna share with me? _ ” The spy said playfully. Sometimes Natasha’s mischievous tone reminded him of Peggy. Or maybe it was the other way around.

“No. I guess I knew you were going to ask about her. And I don’t want, you know— it’s still a bit complicated.” Steve passed his hand on his face, remembering the events after the pub debacle a couple of days ago.

“ _ How so? _ ” 

“It’s— Her memories are not exactly coming back.”

“ _ What do you mean ‘not exactly’? _ ”

“It’s more like she’s having episodes where she feels  _ things _ . Very strongly. I don’t know. She can’t pinpoint what it is yet I think. And she’s not actually sharing a lot with me. So I’m not sure if it’s actually progress or not.”

“ _ It could be. _ ”

Steve squinted his eyes, looking at nothing in particular in the dark in front of him.

“What are you saying?”

“ _ We were conditioned not to feel. Not to experience emotions like a normal person. We were the assets. Nothing could interfere with the mission. If that’s how she’s been living for the past six decades, undergoing actual strong emotions could be… difficult. _ ”

“Do you think that’ll help her remember?”

“ _ I don’t know Steve. I don’t know more than you on that front. I was never brainwashed, just raised that way. _ ” Her voice wasn’t completely defeated but it had definitely lost her initial playfulness. 

Steve sighed. He tried to ignore the dull pain of thinking about his friend’s past. 

This wasn’t completely unhelpful. It actually shined some light on why Peggy felt so distressed sometimes. And it could be a good thing, he hoped.

“How’s everything back home?” He decided to change the subject for Natasha’s sake more than his.

“ _ I’m not in the US right now. Still a little hot for me. But I’ve heard Sam is currently sitting on a nice terrace in Greece drinking Ouzo. _ ”

He could hear the smile in her voice. It was a just a joke. Something simple. Sweet. He longed to be able to hear it in Peggy’s voice someday.

“Have a cold one for me too, will you?”

“ _ We will, Cap. Take care of yourself. If you need anything we’ll be there. _ ”

“Thank you,” he concluded almost solemnly before Natasha ended the call.

He stayed for a few moments outside, taping the cell phone in his hand on his thigh. He was glad for Natasha’s and Sam’s friendship. It was something precious to him, more than he had imagined finding in this century when he woke up. For so long his only prospects in life were to serve and to save. It was a noble cause. One that he knew how to do, one that he believed in. But one that could have left him an empty shell, alone, broken, without a soul to talk to.

Yes he was glad and even if sometimes that quest to help Peggy felt deeply selfish when his friends were out there still fighting HYDRA and searching for his own best friend, he couldn’t just turn away on Peggy.

He owned it to her and to himself. Her and Bucky were the two last persons he had hope to reconnect with, ever. They were dead. Gone for good. What fate had put into his hand was a chance at catching up on the years he sacrificed for the world. He wanted this so badly. He wanted both of them back. He had to fight to get it. Because for once Steve Rogers is going to think about himself before the rest of the world.

Peggy was still curled up on the couch when he went back in. Her legs were bent under her body and she was holding her ankles with one hand, her book opened in her lap.

She was pretending to not notice him until he sat down in the armchair next to her. She lifted her eyes and watched him for a moment.

“What is it?” He asked, still checking his emails on his tablet.

“That was Agent Romanoff?” 

Steve was surprised by the way she perfectly pronounced Natasha’s name, with a melodic Russian accent rolling on her tongue. 

“Yeah. It was.”

Her eyes drifted back to her book, pretending to keep reading when she was probably thinking about her days in the Red Room.

“You knew her well?” 

She snorted softly. “Of course, and you know that.”

“Not really. Nat refuses to speak about the Red Room with me,” he told her which seemed to make Peggy twitched for a very brief second.

That was the first time either of them mentioned the Red Room out loud. 

“She was exceptional. Most of these girls were. But Natalia had something more. A thirst for control. Not for violence nor mayhem like many other assets. She was clever, she had an amazing understanding of people. She was efficient,” she concluded.

“Well, the Agent Romanoff I know is pretty good at violence now.”

Peggy closed her book and didn’t respond to his sarcastic remark. Steve lifted his eyes from the tablet this time and there she was. Cold brown eyes focused on him like she was trying to drill holes in his head. Her look was burning.

He slid the tablet quietly on the table and leaned in on his knees to let her know he was listening.

“I don’t think you understand what I’ve done to these girls,” she said calmly.

“Then tell me.”

“Do you really wish to know the despicable things I’ve done? The pain and suffering I’ve made endure?” Her tone was just as hard as her eyes.

“I’ve told you I’m here for you. If you want to talk about it, get it of your chest. I’m here.” He offered shrugging.

“I can never get that off my chest,” she snorted mockingly. “I’ve created an army of murderous children. I’ve robbed them of their innocence, of their lives. They grew up to become soulless killers. There’s no redemption after that.”

As she kept going, Steve could perceive the slight strain in her voice. She was not rubbing this on his face, she was not provoking this time. There was a hint of pain, or regret, he couldn’t be sure but he knew now how to recognize when she was vulnerable, exposing herself to him.

“Is that something you’re seeking? Redemption?”

She looked taken aback for a second. “Have you met me?” She rolled her eyes. For a moment, Steve almost believed she was making a joke but she quickly came back to her ruthless-self.

“It was my job. I’m not proud. I’m not sorry either. I didn’t ask or question anyone when I received my instructions when they lined up those little girls in front of me. Shaking, sometimes crying. So weak.”

“Didn’t you realize they were terrified?” He pressed her. 

“It didn’t matter. I just knew what I had to do. It was my only purpose, they didn’t give me anything else. I didn’t feel anything. I just didn’t…” She let her phrase trail on like she was realizing something.

“What is it?”

Her breathing started to become labored and she blinked rapidly a few times, lost in her thoughts.

“Hey…” Steve tried to bring her back from where her mind had taken her.

He put his hand on hers, resting on her lap. She immediately dropped her eyes to look at it when she felt the touch. She took a deep shaky breath and looked back at Steve.

“I don’t understand what’s happening.” She let out quickly, almost like she would regret saying it if she thought about it for too long.

“It’s okay.” 

Steve slid down from the armchair to kneel on the floor before her. Her eyes followed him as he took both of her hands between his large palms.

“You’re just experiencing emotions differently. It can be unsettling. Do you remember anything about the treatment you were subjected to?” He focused on her eyes but he could see she was drawn away by her thoughts. “When you were taken? What did they do to you?”

After a second it’s like she came back in the room, came back to him. He squeezed her hands to let her know he was here, with her.

“I’m not sure. I— I researched it after learning about who I really was.” She closed her eyes and when she reopened them she was back in control. “The Winter Soldier was wiped out and reprogrammed.”

Steve swallowed hard at the mention of Bucky. She didn’t seem to notice, or to care.

“I don’t believe I went under the same procedure. I still had intel on SHIELD. I remember some details about operations and the staff, even to this day. I think they needed it so they didn’t just erased my memories.”

Steve’s jaw clenches. Was this how they managed to infiltrate SHIELD so easily, years after years? Those snakes had used her, tortured her, until they were satisfied with the information. And then what? They put her to work to turn children into killers. Steve’s blood was boiling. He couldn’t show her. He needed her to continue but right this second all he desperately wanted was to hunt down the nazis who did that to her and tear them apart limb from limb.

“From what I read it could be a mix of source amnesia and possibly psychogenic amnesia. I couldn’t remember who I was before, but I still retained some factual knowledge. I just don’t know how they achieved it. I went to see doctors these past months. Neurologists. They did brain scans and found lesions. Traces of treatment in my brain but not one of them could explain what procedure it was a result of,” she paused for a second before shaking her head in annoyance, “those useless twats.”

Steve huffed a quick laugh and her eyes drifted back on him. She let a small smile appear on her face for a second.

“They striped me out of my identity, simple as that.” She became serious again. “I don’t remember fighting it, I don’t remember ever being anyone else but a KGB agent. So I worked for them. It could have taken years for them to turn me, or just months. I can’t even know. The timeline, it’s all a blur. And add to that whatever version of the serum they tested on me. I let them do it. All I know is that I had to comply.”

She paused, twisting her hands to get off Steve’s hold.

“Until I read my file, I thought I was one of them. I was the villain.”

She stood up and took her glass of wine from the coffee table. Steve sat down on the floor, his back resting against the couch. He watched her finish her glass and pouring another one she kept in her hand while pacing in front of the fireplace.

“If you were convinced of being one of them, what made you believe the file was the truth? That you actually were Peggy Carter?” Steve asked her, hoping the conversation was not over yet.

It was the most he had been able to talk with her in weeks. And for once it didn’t feel like she was feeding him lies or avoiding the subject.

She stopped pacing for a moment and lifted the glass to her lips to take a large swallow. He looked at her wipe out a drop of the red liquid from her bottom lip with her thumb.

“Something about my brother.” Her voice sounded smaller. “And the wedding I ran away from to join the military.”

“Wedding?” Steve asked genuinely surprised.

She turned away and gave him one of her defiant looks.

“Oh you don’t know.”

For a second he was afraid she had slipped back into her old habits of wanting to get under his skin. However if she had any intention to do it, she stopped quickly and continued with a straight voice and no malice in it.

“Apparently I was engaged, never married.” She stirred around the glass in her hand, focusing on its swirling content. “For some reason, I felt desperately sad reading this information. Something I’ve never recall feeling, something entirely new. An unforgivable sharp pain. I kept reading and realized it was not about the aborted engagement. Apparently my brother had died in the war only a few days prior to the wedding. I think my mind associated this day to his death. And it just broke me. Reading this. Over a brother I had never heard about before. A brother I didn’t know.”

Her tone was so somber now that it made Steve desperate to reach out to her, hold her in his arms, help ease the pain she must have experience. He kept his fists clenched over his knees. She lifted her head and straighten her back.  

“I had to find out more. So I left HYDRA. I fled and never returned,” she concluded.


	7. Closeness

Steve pulled up the collar of his shirt as he walked around the car. The season was colder that it had been in years in England and the wind in the countryside was not forgiving. Not that Steve was particularly incapacitated with the cold but it sure wasn’t pleasant. He cursed under his breath, a white steam coming out of his mouth, reminding him that the serum did increase his resistance to pretty much anything, allowing him to survive in the ice but still made him feel this hostile weather like it was biting on his skin.  

With a couple brown bags of groceries under his arms, he walked into the house. It was quiet, very quiet. Steve set up the bags on the kitchen table and tried to find where Peggy was. The living room was empty, as was the upper floor. She was not in her bedroom, nor her bathroom. 

As he stormed downstairs he called her a couple of time frantically, his skin starting the crawl. They was no sign of a fight, no intrusion either.

Maybe she just left? He had taken the only car they had but she could have left by foot. To where? The closest train station was at least an hour and a half away. In this cold it wouldn’t have been pleasant but yeah, it was doable. Especially for a trained and enhanced person, like Peggy.

“Fuck.” He let out between greeted teeth.

He tried to think of every scenario as he went to get his weapon, hidden in the kitchen cabinet. Just in case it— Suddenly the front door opened with a bang. He turned around quickly aiming the gun at the intruder.

Peggy stood still in the middle of the hallway, looking at Steve. She started smiling.

“Put that away.” She rolled her eyes at him. She was carrying wooden logs in her arms. “I just went to get wood for the fire. It’s freezing cold in this foracken house,” she said with disgust.

She directly went to the living room without giving him another glance. Steve let out a deep breath. 

He had chopped a decent amount of wood these past couple of weeks and stored them in the barn. Hopefully they would have been dry enough to start a fire.

As he put back the gun in the kitchen cabinet, he heard Peggy’s footsteps coming his way.

She removed her boots and let them scattered in the middle of the kitchen’s floor before rummaging through the grocery bags on the table. Steve watched her take out the bottle of wine he bought. The same brand she had picked a few time before. She walked around the table to get a glass and corkscrew before heading back directly to the living room, stepping over her boots without even bothering with them.

Steve set his hand on his hips and looked at the boots and then the grocery bags.

“You could at least help me unpack these,” he called her out from the kitchen.

She disappeared behind the couch and coffee table as she lowered herself in front of the fire. He heard the pop of the wine bottle opening.

“Why? You’re perfectly capable of doing it on your own.” 

He sighed and bended down to put the boots next to the front door. “A little help would be nice,” he said to her again.

“What? Can’t hear you from here,” she answered dismissively.

It’s not like he would be able to get her to help now anyway, when Steve spent weeks after weeks doing absolutely everything around here. At least he heard her start the fire. 

The groceries were all stored in their respective cabinets and Steve decided on noodle soup for dinner. It was indeed pretty cold even inside and he was actually glad Peggy had the idea of starting the fire. 

He watched the water and waited for it to boil, lost in his thoughts when his phone started buzzing in his pocket. When he pulled it out and saw the name of the caller, he hesitated for a second before answering.

“Hi, Tony.”

_ “So, you’re alive.” _

“Yes I am.” Steve said, already irritated by Tony’s wry tone.

He knew he hadn’t given his friends a lot of news ever since he found Peggy, beside Sam and Natasha. Although lately his calls with them had been less and less frequent. But there was no imminent threat, he was monitoring the news and secret services lines to make sure and he just didn’t want to feel guilty to do something for himself for once. 

_ “I wasn’t sure you’d answer. Where have you been?” _

“What are you talking about? You know I’m in Europe. And why.” That was a lie. Tony had no idea about the real reason he was in England and certainly knew Natasha wouldn’t spill his secret.

_ “Yes but where in Europe? That’s the one million dollars question. No one has seen you in weeks, even months.” _

“Are you keeping tabs on me Tony?” Steve tried to change the subject.

_ “No I’m not. Not really. Okay maybe a little. Listen I’m just curious okay? You disappear and Sam and Nat are spotted all over Europe looking for a so called Hydra dormant cell and most likely your evil BFF.” _

Steve was about to cut him.

_ “Don’t worry nobody spilled the beans. But I’ve read the reports and seen the footage. The Winter Soldier and the mess in the potomac, I know how to put two and two together. I have several PHDs, may I remind you.” _

“No, you don’t need to remind me Tony. I’ve heard all about them.”

_ “Sarcasm’s not nice, Cap. So I was saying, you’re nowhere to be seen while Nat and Sammy are traveling all over the old continent. That makes my spy senses tickling.” _

“Since when do you have spy senses?”

_ “And you’re avoiding the subject! I’m an amazing spy. Romanoff can retire now.” _

Steve surprised himself with a short laugh. No matter how Tony’s ways of acquiring information are annoying sometimes, Steve could appreciate his dry sense of humour. From time to time.

_ “So why aren’t you chasing the big bad nazis with your buddies?” _

“I have a personal matter to take care of.”

_ “Steven, do you realize that by being even more evasive I’m even more curious?” _

“I’m not evasive. It’s personal. I need to take care of a few things but I’ll be back.” He assured Tony.

_ “When?” _

“Why do you want to know?”

_ “We might have to face some consequences from our little past stunts.” _ Tony’s tone was suddenly more serious and Steve winced at his words. Something was going on while he was away, he could feel it..

“What consequences? What stunts? Can you just state the facts Tony? I don’t have time for this.” Tony’s statement was actually getting him worried and he didn’t want to indulge in his friend’s shenanigans.

_ “Congress has some questions for us, now that we’re all freelancing of some sort. SHIELD being dead and buried you have no one to report to. Nat was pretty efficient in stalling but you might have to answer to some questions yourself. They’re getting agitated about it and asked me about your whereabouts since Fury is, well, you know.”  _ He let the phrase hanging. 

“What questions exactly?” Steve changed the subject, he couldn’t be sure Tony knew about Fury faking his death

_ “Hell if I know. They only asked me because everyone is AWOL.”  _ He ended up continuing after Steve.

“Have I been asked to answer in front of Congress?” Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. That couldn’t be a good thing.

_ “No, not officially. I had my lawyers look into it and they don’t have a subpoena. Yet. Too busy dealing with the aftermath of SHIELD’s fall and their own stupid mistakes.” _

“So I’m not being prosecuted for SHIELD’s dismantlement or anything?”

_ “No, no. I mean, Nat’s hearing might have pissed of some officials but they have a lot of cleaning up to do. I think the outcome of, you know, literally saving the world, again, ended up in your favor.” _

“Then,” Steve pondered his question for a second before giving in and asking Tony for his help. “can you handle this for me? I mean, as long I’m not required to be present.”

Tony seemed to take a pause on the other side of the line. Steve could almost hear the wheels in his brain working through the phone line.

_ “What personal matter did you say it was?” _

“I can’t tell you.”

_ “I’d like to know because if you’re asking  _ me _ to deal with this on your behalf, it must be something pretty important.” _

And Tony was right. 

“It is.”

The timer of the oven that Steve put earlier on started to ring. He stopped it and tucked the phone between his ear and shoulder to be able to put the pan of noodle soup out of the stove.

_ “Are you cooking?” _ The billionaire asked curiously.

Steve watched the sad noodle pot in front of him. 

“Not exactly.” He answered bitterly. That definitely couldn’t be called ‘cooking’.

_ “Okay so it’s dinner time where you are. Mhmm maybe you’re in Europe after all.” _ Apparently Tony was back at guessing his whereabouts.

“Again, not telling you.” Steve said, sounding annoyed this time.

_ “You’re no fun, Cap.” _

“Tony,” the soldier started, seriously, “just for once I need to do something for myself. Would it be okay to just leave it be and allow me to deal with my personal life? I just—” he paused and Tony didn’t interrupted him. “I need to do this. It’s important, to me.”

There was a moment of silence on the other side of the line and Steve hoped that his friend would finally listen to him and understand the message he was conveying. 

He wished he could just let him know Peggy as alive and he was dealing with helping her. Honestly it would have been much easier. But he just couldn’t know if it was safe. For him, for her, or for Tony. HYDRA was most likely still after her. And probably now after Steve too. He wasn’t even sure yet if he could trust her completely. Although his guts were telling him otherwise. The thing was that with Peggy maybe his guts were not to be trusted at all. He needed to make sure it was the good time to bring her back into the real world. Into his life.

_ “Alright.” _ The billionaire finally caved and Steve let out a relieved sigh.  _ “Alright Steve. But you know that Sam Wilson and Natasha are not your only friends. If you need help. I’m here.” _

“I know. Thank you. And you’re already helping with taking care of the legal stuff. But this, this is something I need to do alone.”

They finally said their goodbyes. Steve promising Tony to let him know when he was ready to disclose what he was working on. He hoped it would happen soon. Not that he was exactly looking forward to come back to his normal life. After all SHIELD was gone with everything he believed in. Bucky was still at large. There was not a lot in his life that he wanted to rush back to. 

He turned around to the living room. He looked at Peggy taking her glass of wine from the coffee table and turning her back to him to face the fire. As long as Bucky was still unfound, she was the only thing making sense in his life right now. The only thing he wanted to focus his attention on.

He poured the soup in two bowls and brought them to her.

She was sitting on the floor, a blanket under her and a few cushions scattered around. She watched the fire silently, nursing the glass in her hands.

“Here. I made soup.”

She nodded and put the glass down to start eating as he lowered himself next to her. They were silent for a while before she started talking.

“So, I’m  _ a matter you need to take care of _ ?” She lifted her eyebrows at him. “Sounded like you were neutering your dog or something. That’s pleasant.”

“I thought you couldn’t hear what I was saying from over here?” He said sarcastically.

She let out a small laugh and he turned around to look at her. The fire was casting an orange hue on her features. He could feel the heat of the flames caressing his skin, which led him to imagine how warm and soft her own skin must feel. 

The soup wasn’t that bad. He tried to put his conversation with Tony aside. He just didn’t want to face reality right now. 

“Am I that important to you?” She asked quietly.

That immediately pulled him back to this moment, here, with her.

“You still need to ask me that?” He said, just as softly.

She shut down again. Not looking at him, her eyes on the fire. She ate in silence. After putting her empty bowl on the coffee table behind her she retrieved her glass of wine.

“That was Tony Stark.” She stated.

“Yes, Howard’s kid.” He said, hoping that would call back to her memories.

“Mhmm.” She hummed. “Howard Stark. He helped make you who you are today. Captain America. The embodiment of freedom and righteousness.” 

Steve let out a groan.

“That’s not who I am. That’s who the world needs me to be.”

“And there’s a difference?” She asked curiously.

Steve put his bowl next to hers. He laid down on the floor to comfortably rest his head on his hand, his elbow supporting the weigh.

“Big one, yeah.”

“How so?”

“I was trained to be Captain America. I was made to be a circus monkey.” He looked at her for a second and she didn’t react at the very same words she said to him so many years ago. He tried not to be disappointed but the pinch in his heart told him he was failing miserably. “Then I changed my fate and, with  _ your _ help,” he insisted, “the Captain became something more, a fighter, a real symbol. I took his predetermined course and turned it around to make him matter.” 

He didn’t realize immediately when he said those words but in retrospect they could apply to her, to who she was today. Or who she could be. He hoped it would hit something in her. 

“You talk about him in the third person, like it’s not you. What about you, Steve Rogers?”

“I’m—” He paused, contemplating his answer. “I don’t think Steve Rogers had a future before I took the serum. Not a bright one anyway. After that Captain America was needed, I couldn’t think about myself. Then I woke up here, in this century…” he let his phrase hanging, like he didn’t know what to say after. 

“You’re still figuring it out.” She concluded for him.

He lifted up his eyes. She was watching him with intensity. She understood him. He knew she did. She was the only one alive that could understand him. If she had her memories it would have been because she knew him before the serum. Because she knew the man he was and has always been beneath the star spangled costume. 

But today she understood him because she felt the same way. The situation was slightly different of course. But in a strange, twisted way she was figuring out who she really was too. And the understanding of this fact made him realize he never felt more close to anyone before.

“Yeah,” he breathed out, “I guess so.”

In his head this would have been the perfect moment. Right this second. Her eyes focused on him, the warmth of the fire, the silence of the house, the rosy color of her cheeks, the confession he never made to anyone else. It would have been the moment where he would have kissed her. Gathered her above him, where she could have straddled him and he would have lost himself in her. 

But he couldn’t fall into that oblivion. She was not really there yet. Not the way she should be.

She put the glass on the floor next to her and laid down on the blanket beside him, facing him, scooting closer, just close enough so he could smell the faint scent of the wine on her lips.

“Steve.” She whispered. “The way you look at me.”

He blinked a couple of times before she continued.

“The way you look at me right now. I just— I never felt this before. Not that I can remember.”

He suddenly felt like everything inside him was drawing inward. He wasn’t unable to reply or to move. Just how she said it, so genuinely, and how her eyes traveled between his, searching, questioning. It was agonizing.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. I wish I had the memories of why I’m experiencing this. Why I’m attracted to you the way I am.”

Steve swallowed hard. She noticed and stopped. She turned around on her back, laying down on the blanket, looking up the ceiling. She sighed.

“I understand why you don’t want to fuck me.”

The way the word sounded in her mouth sent shivers all the way down his spin.

“I just don’t comprehend it. If I give myself to you, why wouldn’t take it? I want to. I want you. Don’t you?”

“Peggy…” He stopped himself immediately. He lowered his head and winced. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

“It’s okay.” She said softly.

He looked at her hopeful. Maybe this time she was ready to hear it? 

“I know that’s the name you know for me. I just had never heard anyone address me by it until you said it at the bar. The first time we met.”

Steve protested in his head, that was not the first time they met. But again, he couldn’t tell her that. It wasn’t fair.

“It rises something inside me. Every time you call me that. It— it’s driving me insane.” Her eyes suddenly became darker as her pupils dilated. Her lips slowly parted and he tried not focus on the way she looked at him, full of desire. 

“Peggy,” he repeated, right now he couldn’t help himself, “I can’t. Don’t ask me to explain. You’re not gonna like the reason.” He dropped his head to stop looking at her. It was too much.

“Not until I remember what we had, right?” Her voice was small now. 

“Not until you remember who you are.” He said, sure of himself. “I’m doing this for you. I have to do this for you. If it was for myself, I would have— I would have made love to you, I would have lost myself in you weeks ago. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. But I can’t allow to be selfish. I told you, I’m here  _ for you _ .”

Her eyes started to fill with tears and she opened them wildly, a now familiar fear filling them. When her breathing started to shudder, he came closer to her and gathered her against his chest. 

“Don’t panic. This is normal. What you feel, it’s normal.” He started caressing her hair.

He heard her starting to sob in his arms, her face hidden in the crock of his neck. He kept telling her soothing words. Telling her he was here. That she was going to be okay. No matter what happened, he’d be there.

“Let yourself feel this. You’re not that person anymore. You can be whoever you want to be.” 

He put a kiss on her temple, lingering there, his lips against her skin. He felt the tremors in her body gradually slowing, her breathing coming back to normal. 

After a while he was sure she had fallen asleep so it let himself drift away, his dreams filled with her scent, filled with the promise she was coming back to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've reached 1,000 hits on this fic with the previous chapter! Yay! So happy you guys tune in every updates and read this story! It's pretty amazing for me to reach this number so I'm very happy and I hope you enjoyed this long chapter :)


	8. Hope

Steve’s eyes shot open in a start. He dreamt about her again. She was falling from the train instead of Bucky. Her body was inert as he watched her disappear into limbo. Then he was in the hotel bar. The same bar he reconnected with Peggy again a few month ago. But she wasn’t there. Bucky was, behind the bar in his pristine 1940 military-issued uniform. His hands were around Natasha’s neck. Squeezing. He smiled, a blood-curdling expression. Until the sound of her bones snapping woke Steve up, the panic crunching his chest.

It took him a few minutes to understand where he was. 

The smell of the extinguished fire was the first thing he acknowledged. Then a heap of brown hair in front of him, so close he could feel how soft it was against his cheek.

He was holding her, spooning her. His arm across her middle, his hand spread flat on her stomach. 

She was still sound asleep, her breathing even and slow. It was quiet. Outside the sun was already up, casting a soft light around them. The contrast between the comfort of her body against him compared to the horrors of his dreams was so vivid, he had a hard time realizing that this was reality. She was there. After so many years, after thinking she was gone, he could finally feel her against his skin. He wanted so badly to feel more of her.

They spent the night on the floor in the living room. At some point they had shifted and one of them must have pulled the blanket to cover them both. He could feel that the temperature of the room had dropped now that the fire was out. But under that cover it was warm. So warm.

Her entire body was against him. Close enough so he could feel every inch of her curves against him, especially the firm softness of her bottom against his length. It shot what felt like electricity in every nerve of his body all the way down his cock.

He let out a groan at how good it felt and bit his lower lip to keep quiet.

It would be so easy. So easy to let his hand slid down on her stomach, all the way down between her thighs. He could anticipate how warm and soft she would feel. Maybe how damp.

No, no. He had to stop. He had to stop his thoughts from spiraling that way.

He let out a deep sigh before scooting away from her.

The loss of her warmth was excruciating. Why did he submit himself to this torture? It would be so much easier to lose control and abandoned himself in her the way he wanted so desperately. She would let him. He knew she would. She wanted it too, she said it, she showed it. Many times.

But it was not how it was supposed to happen, he told himself again and again like a mantra. 

What the fuck was wrong with him? Just a moment ago he was panicking because of a torturous dream, because his mind was playing tricks on him, playing with his memories, making him feel the guilt he dreaded so much. How could he go from that to wanting her that way. The shortcut his brain was taking was wrong on so many levels, he just wanted it to stop.

He took his hand away from her slowly and rolled on his back outside the covers. Now that the heat from her body was replaced by the cold of the room against his stomach, his head seemed clearer.

He stood up, being careful not to wake her. He pulled the blanket up to make sure she was fully covered. She stirred and moaned slightly. He froze, until she finally was still again and quietly breathing.

God she was beautiful, asleep and peaceful. None of the darkness and the fear he usually saw in her eyes seemed to trouble her serene features.

He wished to see the same expression on her face when she was awake. Soon, he told himself. Soon, for sure.

Finally he dragged himself away to head upstairs and take a shower. When he pulled his shirt up above his head, he noticed it still smelled like the fire and Peggy. It sent more heat all the way down his stomach. 

“Fuck,” he swore between gritted teeth and hopped in the shower quickly opening the water to the hottest his skin could handle.

He braced his arm against the wall and slowly brushed his fingers on his hard cock, letting out a whimper that was a mix of pleasure and pain. He let his head rest on the arm leaning on the tiles before allowing himself the release he needed. God he wanted her so badly.

 

...

 

“Do you want to drive to the coast? It’s only a thirty minute ride.” 

Steve turned around to look at her. She was reading on her tablet on the kitchen table while he was putting away the dishes of their lunch in the sink. She lifted her eyes to see him staring, his eyes asking her a silent question as they often did lately. 

“It’s not a memory, I just googled the itinerary.” She rolled her eyes, not as annoyed as she intended to make him believe.

 

…

 

They were alone on the cliff. He parked the car a few meters from a small dirt path leading to the edge. They could almost see the entire coast from there.

The wind was far stronger than Steve had imagine. He had known cold winters in Brooklyn, before and after the war. He had traveled to foreign countries with unforgiving weather. But this was different. The wind felt different. Maybe the fact that Peggy was standing by his side, contemplating the cliffs and long beaches before them had something to do with it. 

He never really took the time to gaze at the scenery when he was on a mission. He never traveled just for the enjoyment of discovering a new place or a new culture, especially not with someone he cared about. Sharing this moment with her made him nostalgic, imagining all the trips they could have taken together, visiting the beautiful countryside of England once the war had been over, discovering the landscapes of her childhood. He fantasized about the places they could have gone to. The dinners they could have spent tasting new food and looking into each other’s eyes above the table in small pubs, holding her hand in public. The shared nights exploring each other’s bodies, learning what she liked, making her moan his name, falling asleep tangled together and waking up for a new tomorrow.

It was a spiral of thoughts he always tried to stay away from. Today he couldn’t stop himself. Not when the afternoon light was casting its rays on her skin. There was hope floating in the cold wind. He could feel it.

Her face turned toward the sea, the salty breeze making her eyes shine in a way that he never saw before. Her features were relaxed and serene while she was looking in the distance. He realized he wasn't contemplating the view anymore, he was contemplating her. Her face, her eyes, her beauty and her calmness. She was mesmerizing.

Her hair was dancing in the wind, a lock of it venturing in front her eyes. His hand reached it before she had time to put it away. He gently tucked it behind her ear and she watched him. She watched with so much intensity that his legs felt weak under the weight of his body and his heart.

“I like the smell in the air,” she said quietly.

He took a deep breath closing his eyes to experience it with her.

“There’s something familiar,” she confessed.

When his eyes opened she was looking away at nothing, far in the distance.

“I don’t know what,” she continued as he stayed silent beside her, “but I feel it.”

Her fingers tangled in his before he had time to say anything and she tugged at him to start walking.

After they walked for long minutes hand in hand the sky became darker with clouds and Steve knew they had to go back to the car. They exchanged a silent look of agreement and Peggy smiled softly, with a little sadness in her eyes. He reluctantly took her to the direction of their car.

The rain broke the sky apart before they had the chance to get to shelter. They climbed in the car and were both already drenched. When he closed the car door after getting in the driver’s seat, he turned around and she slid her hands behind his neck to pull him to her.

It was soft. It was calm and agonizing. Their lips moved against each other until she let her tongue slid inside his mouth. He felt like crying at how warm and comforting her kiss was. There was no urgency to it, no agenda. He didn’t feel the cold nor the dampness of his clothes, he only felt the heat of her tongue playing with his and tangling with passion. He felt it all the way down his body, to his toes, to the very end of each hair on his arms, to his fingertips where every nerve ached to touch her and feel her skin and her warmth. He needed their bodies to melt into each other.

Steve felt the world spin around him when she put her hand on his thigh and squeezed hard urging him for more. When he was about to gather her into his lap in the narrow space between his body and the wheel, his phone started buzzing on the dashboard in a loud unwelcomed sound.

He pulled away from her abruptly and they stared at each other struck by the new meaning of this kiss. He could see it in her eyes. This was something else. It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. 

With a pounding heart and a shaky hand, he patted the dashboard until he located the phone, without breaking eye contact.

“Yes?” His voice was a little hoarse and he cleared his throat. 

“ _ Cap, we have a location on the Winter Soldier _ .” 

He blinked. He knew she could hear Sam’s voice from the other side of the line in the quiet confinement of the car. 

His eyes dropped on his lap where her hand was pressed. Her red-painted fingers digging into his thigh. 

“ _ Cap? _ ” 

“You sure?”

“ _ It’s the closest we’ve been in weeks. I really think that’s our chance. I wouldn’t call otherwise, _ ” he paused, “ _ but we could use your lady friend’s help to make contact. _ ”

Steve lifted up his eyes to her level. She hadn’t move the entire time, never letting him out of her sight. His brows turned upside down, asking her silently.

She nodded.

“Alright,” Steve simply stated.

“ _ I’ll email you the details, _ ” Sam finished and Steve hung up without saying goodbye.

His sole focus was on Peggy and this moment. This moment broken by the reality of the outside world. A world he had put away, far away for the past few months, letting himself fall into the possibility of finally building something with her.

It was too soon. Far too soon for them to go back out there. He needed more time. He wanted more time, so desperately. But he had to listen to Sam. He spoke with him almost every day, keeping him informed. The man wouldn’t ask if he wasn’t absolutely sure. 

“Let’s go Steve. It’s time.” Peggy lifted her hand to his cheek and just like that his dreams of travels and possibilities were gone.

 

…

 

They packed as soon as they went back to the house. In the meantime Sam had sent the details over to Steve and he forwarded it to Peggy who was studying them. They were on each side of the kitchen table. Their luggage waiting for them near the door. Steve’s elbow was firmly set on the table, he was watching her under his lashes, his mouth resting on his tightly closed fist.

“So?” 

“How long until we reach Bucharest?” She asked without lifting her eyes from the screen.

“You think it’s worth it?” His voice was so unsure he hated himself for not controlling it.

She laid the tablet on the table.

“You knew this had to come to an end eventually.”

“Doesn’t mean I want it to end,” he answered truthfully.

He was expecting her eyes to darken in a familiar retaliation when he was talking about his feelings for her.

“It was the deal wasn’t it? You help me and I help you find Bucky in return,” she stated flatly.

His jaw clenched at the answer. He knew he shouldn’t have but he was hoping for something else.

“Did I help you?” 

She contemplated her answer for a moment. It felt like years for Steve. He needed the reassurance, he needed something. If she didn’t give him at least a straw to grasp he would fell and never get up from the disappointment and the pain. It would be like failing her all over again.

She took a deep breath and he noticed that her hand settled on top of the tablet was shaking slightly. 

“I think you did.” 

It was not the blow on the heart he was anticipating, fearing even. It was the absolutely opposite actually. His muscles relaxed in a way that they hadn't for the entire time he had been reunited with her.

Of course it wasn’t the perfect answer that he had imagine a thousand times. Of course she didn’t confess her love to him and said that she remembered everything. But it meant far more that it appeared to be. Steve knew her now, who she had become. He knew with such strong certainty what her confession really meant. It was an open door. It was the hope he had longed for since they set foot in this small house in Kent. 

And he would leave this place with the promise she’d soon let him walk through that door.


	9. Cooperation

On the sidewalk of a quiet neighborhood in Bucharest Bucky had just sat at the table outside a modest restaurant. It was around 8 pm and most customers were in the middle of their dinner. He checked the menu quickly and when a waiter came his way, he placed his order. Bucky was on high alert, watching quietly his surroundings, as usual.

As soon as the waiter left, a woman slid in the empty chair in front of him and sat down gracefully. The surprise didn’t show on his features but the way his jaw tightened sold out that he hadn’t seen her coming. He recognized her immediately, although his memories were blurred by the different iterations his mind recollected of her. His metal hand covered by a glove twitched sightly.

On the other side of the street, Steve and Sam were watching the scene from an apartment on the second floor of an old building. They had a perfect overview of the scene.

As soon as they arrived in Bucharest less than 24 hours ago, Peggy put herself to work in studying Bucky’s last known whereabouts that Sam had compiled. How she managed to find out he was going to be having dinner in this exact spot and from where they could observe the scene was still a mystery to Steve. But he trusted her and didn’t ask questions, much to Sam’s discomfort.

She insisted to be the one to make contact. After all they were both fugitives from the same organization, it made sense he would trust her more than Steve. The soldier was not happy with being sidelined. But again, he asked for her help. He owed to her to let her lead this operation.

They equipped her with a wire so they could have ears on the ground. Sam was recording it on a laptop, sitting at a small table, while Steve watched from the window. 

“Here we go,” Sam said when Peggy sat down.

Steve knew it was a possibility but he still frown when Peggy started talking to Bucky in russian. 

“Do you understand what they say?” Sam asked, clearly worried.

“No.” Steve took a deep breathe. “Give her a minute.”

“That’s not good Cap, how can we know she’s not selling us out?”

“She’s not,” Steve answered with certainty. Sam didn’t elaborate but he could feel his friend wiggle uncomfortably behind him. God he hoped he hadn’t been wrong about all this.

After a minute, there was silence between the two former KGB agents. And Steve took the small walkie that allowed him to communicate with Peggy.

“What’s happening?” He asked her anxious. She didn’t respond. “We can’t understand what you’re saying. We need ears. Can you switch to english?”

Bucky said something and Peggy turned her head slightly towards Sam and Steve’s hiding location before removing her earpiece and dropping it on the table. 

Bucky lowered his head and looked at it with an unreadable expression. 

“Shit,” Steve said between gritted teeth.

“Steve—” Sam tried to say before he saw his friend storming out of the apartment.

When Sam looked back to the scene from the window, Bucky had his hand inside the left side of his jacket, probably reaching for a concealed weapon. Peggy was still sitting, calm and composed, her legs crossed in front of her, watching him defiantly. 

Steve was out of the building in seconds and was crossing the street when Bucky noticed him. He jumped out of his chair, aiming a gun in Steve’s direction. Immediately Peggy stood up and knocked the gun out of Bucky’s hand. The soldier refocused on her and flipped the heavy marble table over.

Steve started racing and reached Peggy, who was stuck under the table, her leg trapped by its weight. Steve motioned to lift the table when she yelled angrily.

“Don’t let him get away!”

Steve looked in the direction Bucky had taken, he was knocking down a motorcycle driver to steal his vehicle. Steve turned back to look at Peggy, her face red with rage.

“I’ll be fine! Go!” She pushed him and already started to get herself free.

Steve went racing towards Bucky but he turned on the engine and in a loud skid turned around the motorcycle to head in the opposite direction, away from Steve.

Steve needed a vehicle now, there was no way he could follow him on foot. He quickly assed his surroundings before spotting a woman opening her car on his side of the street. He ran toward her, snatched her keys from her hands and got in the car. 

“Sorry lady,” he said to himself more than anything when he started the engine, “I’m sure you have insurance.”

The woman yelling outside the car and gathering a small crowd around her. When he speeded away, Steve glanced back in the rear mirror. The entire sidewalk was now in chaos, he couldn’t get a clear view of Peggy.

The traffic wasn’t too dense and it only took Steve a few minutes to have eyes on Bucky again. The Winter soldier looked back a couple of time, probably realizing that the car chasing him was driven by Steve. He zigged zagged between the other vehicles with skills most likely to lose him.

He tried to take a turn, then another one, but Steve was still tailing him. They reached the inside of a tunnel, which was practically empty and without warning Steve saw Bucky skid around his motorcycle to face him about a hundred yards away.

Bucky hit the gas on his bike to drive at full speed in Steve’s direction. Watching the scene before him, Steve winced, it was too late to avoid the impact. Bucky lifted his front wheel just a few yards from the car and rolled over the vehicle.

Under the weight of the motorcycle, the windshield and part of the roof of the car collapsed and shattered in million pieces above Steve. He hit the brakes and dove down, protecting his head with his arm.

When the car came to a stop and the glass scattered around him Steve looked back in the right mirror. It looked like Bucky had fallen from the bike when landing on the driveway and was getting back on it to get away.

Steve was trying to get out of the car but the door was completely smashed and he had to scoot away from it and push it with both legs to crash it open. Bucky almost didn’t have time to start his engine that another vehicle was coming at full speed towards them.

Steve crawled out and saw a hand getting out from the window from the driver’s side of the new pursuing car. They had a gun and it was pointed at Bucky. The Winter soldier finally took the road but the shooter aimed perfectly at its front wheel and bursted it, forcing Bucky to zig zag aimlessly.

The shooter almost came to his level and shot at the back wheel, sending Bucky to the ground, his motorcycle landing on him, trapping him under just long enough for the car to stop at his level.

Peggy exited it, holding two guns in both hands, aiming them at Bucky’s head. He stayed on the ground, looking up at her before jerking the bike off him with his inhuman force.

Steve ran their way, ready to help her but when he reached them, Peggy was speaking in russian to Bucky again. The man remained on the ground, arms slightly raised in surrender. Peggy carefully walked closer and said something with a look on her face that Steve started to know well. There was a determination in her ton, honesty in her eyes. She was not manipulating him, nor threatening him. 

Steve stopped his approach to let them settle this. He felt his heart racing in his chest. Not only because of the adrenaline that was rushing through his veins these last ten minutes but because he knew this moment was a determining one.

On the ground, Bucky simply nodded once.

Peggy looked up at Steve, still keeping her aim on Bucky. “Call Sam. The authorities will be here in less than 5 minutes.”

Steve immediately picked up the walkie from his back pocket and followed her order. “Sam, we need extracting, now.”

_ “Already on my way. ETA 2 minutes,” _ Sam answered in Steve’s intercom. Steve nodded at Peggy who flicked back her gaze on Bucky.

The Winter soldier slowly started getting up, arms still raised. When he was fully facing Peggy, he let his hands lower to stay at his side. His jaw clenched and Peggy’s eyes were so focus on him, Steve could swear she had stopped blinking altogether. 

Steve watched the exchange mesmerized. There was an incomprehensible communication taking place between these two. He desperately wanted to ask what was happening, for Peggy to fucking talk in english. But his understanding of field operations also told him they were walking on thin ice here. The most sudden shift could cost them Bucky’s cooperation.

He watched Peggy tuck one of her guns on the back hem of her pants and suddenly swing a mean punch at Bucky with her fist.

Steve took a step closer, taken by surprise. Bucky had not move an inch and barely turned his head with the blow, but an inch long cut on his lower lip appeared immediately, with a thin string of blood oozing from it. He let out the tip of his tongue to taste the blood.

“That’s for flipping a bloody table over me,” she scolded him.

Steve snorted loudly and both of his old friends turned to look at him. For a single second the time stopped around Steve and the blood pumping at his temple was the only sound he recorded. 

They were both here. Alive. With him.

There was no time to elaborate. A black unmarked van driven by Sam stopped next to the vehicle Peggy borrowed from God knows who. 

Peggy nudged Bucky with the barrel of her gun and he followed Steve in the back of the van. Peggy climbed up in the front seat next to Sam. The man turned around to look at Steve and Bucky through the wired partition. They were sitting on the small opposite benches facing each other. Sam didn’t ask questions and focused back on the road to leave the tunnel quickly, the faint sound of distant sirens already behind them.

…

The ride back to a location Peggy had provided for their extraction was quiet between the two childhood friends. Steve observed Bucky without hiding his scrutiny while the Winter soldier was avoid his gaze by keeping his eyes on the floor. 

He had changed. So much. But Steve could have recognize his face not matter what had happened to him. He shifted his look when Bucky removed both of his gloves and let them fall on the ground. The fabric of the gloves have been torn up, probably when he fall from the motorcycle.

His metal hand was peeking out of his hooded sweater. Bucky was avoided looking at Steve. He was clenching and unclenching his fist in a nervous way now that it was uncovered. The movement in his fingers was so natural, so smooth, graceful even. The technology was definitely a work of art. Steve itched to touch it. To reach for his friend. Before reminding himself that if Bucky had this weapon for a limb, it was his fault. It was because he didn’t catch him when Bucky fell from the train. 

He failed him. He should have saved his friend.

Steve’s jaw tighten and he averted his eyes. He couldn’t stop his thoughts from sinking into a guilt hole. 

If he hadn’t put down that plane in the arctic, if he had found a way to jump out, to give Peggy his coordinates, maybe she wouldn’t have been abducted by HYDRA. 

If he had saved Bucky maybe none of them would have been through all this.

Putting the entire fault on his shoulders wasn’t a solution though. It wasn’t exactly fair either. Steve was very well aware of that. But repeating this to himself had little to no effect on how much the guilt was twisting his insides.

He looked back up at his friend who was now watching him, his features unreadable as usual.

“You pulled me from the river. Why?” Steve asked finally breaking the silence.

“I don’t know.” 

Hearing Bucky’s quiet voice for the first time since the fight at the Triskelion sent another shot of pain in Steve’s heart.

“Yes, you do,” Steve concluded.

…

They put Bucky in a room without doors, with direct access to the main room of the facility. The building was some sort of an old storage place, they were occupying the second floor, the former offices that had been turned into a safe house. Everything was made of concrete and felt very cold, especially in the winter, but at least it was remote enough that they were out of main roads but still close if they needed to make an escape. There was also a security system that Sam was currently checking.

Peggy was leaning on the wall a little farther away but close enough to hear the exchange. Steve watched Bucky sit down on a long bench in the middle of the room which looked like an old changing room for workers. The man lifted up his eyes and looked at Steve with intensity. 

“Do you know who I am?” Steve asked.

“Steve.” Bucky’s voice was hoarse.

Steve took a large swallow that almost got stuck in his throat. This was harder than he had anticipated. He walked back into the main room to get a glass of water from a water fountain abandoned on the corner of the main room, but seemingly still working. He drowned down a plastic glass of water and filled it again to bring it back to Bucky. The man took it and drank eagerly. 

“What else?” Steve continued his questioning.

“We grew up in the same neighborhood. You lived with your mother, Sarah Rogers. You contracted pneumonia for several months on the winter of 1932. I brought you comic books weekly. Stole’em from Mister Mayers’ shop.”

A small smile appeared on Steve’s featured and he swore he saw the ghost of one on Bucky’s.

“How much do you remember?”

“A lot actually. But it’s kind of a blur.”

“What about your…” Steve hesitated. “Your other self?”

“I remember it all.” Bucky said darkly. “Everything is mixed up, everything is a mess but I know what I did.”

“Do you know who you were, before they turned you? Do you understand what happened to you?”

“Yes.” Bucky answered before flicking his eyes in Peggy’s direction.

Steve saw her move from the corner of his eyes and heard her footsteps living the room. She was out of his sight when he finally turned around.

He watched Bucky for a short moment in silence. His friend was looking down at the floor, avoiding his gaze now. When Steve returned to the main room, Sam flashed him a look of concern but didn’t say anything.

Peggy was bracing herself on the kitchen’s counter, her knuckles white with strain. Steve approached her slowly. He put his hand on the small of her back and she moved away immediately. Steve was afraid that Bucky confessing he had memories from his life both before and after the war might have triggered Peggy. But she seemed fine, just only upset, no panic attack on the way and Steve let out a sigh of relief. For her and also because he didn’t want to explain it to Sam.

“We should be safe here for a couple days. But we’ll have to move,” Peggy said as she was pacing in the room.

“Do we bring him back to the US?” Sam asked looking both at Steve and Peggy.

“We’ll need resources for that,” Steve said pensive. 

He could call Tony. That wouldn’t be an easy conversation. At least since he spoke with the billionaire a few weeks ago he knew Tony was aware of their search for Bucky. But he certainly wasn’t excited by the idea of explaining who Peggy was and why she was with them. Bringing one former soviet assassin on US soil without any government backup was already enough of a favor to ask, asking his help to bring back two of them? That was probably taking advantage of his trust. But it was the only solution. 

“I’ll figure something out,” he concluded.

“Wanna call Nat?” Sam tentatively asked.

Steve glanced at Peggy who didn’t give him any reaction.

“Not yet,” he finally answered his friend. 

Peggy sighed and rolled her eyes under Steve’s scrutiny. He knew she was annoyed and even potentially pissed off at him for tiptoeing around her. She didn’t need his help in hiding how she really felt. He has witnessed her tricking people more than once. Steve could swear Sam had no clue how much the whole situation affected her. But Steve knew. And if he was so cautious around her that was mainly because he didn’t want to undo all the progress they achieved at the house. He also simply hated seeing her hurt and frightened.

“In the meantime make yourselves at home.” She said opening her arms before dropping them heavily at her sides.

Sam arched up a brow at her. 

“You realize that the fact you have a secret hiding place in the same city we just found this guy is highly suspicious.” He pointed his thumb in the direction of the room Bucky was in.

Peggy stood her ground before Sam, putting her arms on her hips. 

“Not that I have to explain myself to you, but he and I were part of the same organisation. He’s here because it’s familiar ground, same as me. I secured that location  _ after _ I left HYDRA. It’s safe. But feel free to leave, if you don’t like the amenities.” She concluded sarcastically.

This place was secured and Sam previously said to Steve that she had done an impressive job with it. Even Natasha’s skills would have been put to shame were his words, which Sam made him swear never to repeat to the redhead. 

“It’s fine. We trust you.” Steve said, looking at Sam even if the words were directly at Peggy.

“Yeah, well,” Sam walked away towards the room holding Bucky to check on him for a second and turned back to face Steve and Peggy. “You guys haven’t slept since you left the UK, it’s been more than 24 hours. I’m taking the first shift. Get some sleep.”

Steve was about to tell him they didn’t need to keep watch on Bucky, but he knew that was his old friendship with the man talking. After all Bucky ran over a car with Steve in it less than two hours ago. He wanted to trust him. He wanted the certainty of it. But that was too soon and would be reckless at this stage. Bucky’s state of mind still needed to be assessed.

Peggy left to go in the adjacent room. When she closed the door behind her, Sam stood next to Steve.

“Do we really trust her?” He asked quietly. 

“I do,” Steve said with confidence.

“Fine by me.”

“But you don’t like her.”

“Hell no I don’t like her.” Sam crossed his arms on his chest and looked at Steve. “She was an assassin for decades. And let’s be honest, she’s kind of mean,” he concluded with a smirk.

They both chuckled softly before Steve’s smile flattered and concern started to tighten his features.

“Are you okay, Steve?”

“No,” he said honestly, “but it’s not a big surprise, right?”

Steve tried to smile again, but failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suck terribly at writing action scene, so I tried to keep it simple. Hope it doesn't disappoint. Also Steve has his girl and his best friend back. They're both assassins, sure, but yaayyy?


	10. Honesty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this is pretty long but I didn't want to cut it, it didn't fell right. Also I added a chapter to this story because the last one was turning into a 4k+ monster and they was a moment that felt like a good chapter ending. It's almost ready. I can't wait to post it actually but it still needs some editing and since I don't have a beta reader, it takes a bit of time.  
> Anyway enjoy this one and feel free to share this story around!

Steve closed the door quietly behind him. Saying that the room he just entered was sparse was an understatement. A single bed and a couple of chairs on each side of the bed were the only furniture. There was a simple wash basin in the corner and that was it.

Peggy’s luggage was opened and its content was scattered on one of the chair. He heard the sound of the toilet flushing and she exited from the only other door in the room. She didn’t seem to be surprised to see him here and went directly to the sink to wash her hands.

She was wearing a pair of cotton shorts and a t-shirt. It was simple but it suited her. Her hair was simply gathered in a low ponytail, her face bare from any makeup. Even the dark circles under her eyes couldn’t take away the fact that Steve found her absolutely beautiful.

Peggy walked to the bed and sat down checking her phone, her back to him. She didn’t say anything, practically ignored his presence. Steve sighed. 

She didn’t seem upset or angry at him but there was something about her behavior that he didn’t like. It was like she was distancing herself and he couldn’t let that happen. He didn’t want to.

“I can go in the main room if I’m bothering you,” he said a bit more harshly than he intended.

She let out an exasperated sigh and dropped her phone on the bed. She turned around to face him, lifting her leg onto the bed to face him.

“No. Stay.” She said with less animosity than he had expected.

Steve’s eyes traveled up the curves of her bare leg until he noticed the dark purple bruise on her thigh from the table Bucky flipped on her. His jaw tightened and he immediately walked towards her around the bed.

She realized what he saw and pulled at the hem of her short, crossing her legs to try and hide the mark.

“Did you put anything on it?” Steve asked while sitting next to her and forcing her to uncross her legs so he could examine her injury.

“No, there’s no need.” 

Steve’s fingers traced the edge of the bruise. It was bigger than his entire palm, with a dark shade of blue, purple and brown. The swelling didn’t look good. He lifted his eyes to her and she was still as a statue, watching his fingers on her skin. When he finally allowed himself to lay his hand on it, it was warm, very warm, indicating an inflammation. On any normal person that kind of bruise would have needed to be drained.

“I’ll ask Sam if he has some anti inflammatory cream or drugs.” 

Steve stood up to leave but she stopped him by grabbing his wrist forcefully.

“No. It’ll be gone in a couple of days. I don’t need anything. Remember,” she shrugged, “healing abilities.”

“Yeah but it probably hurts like hell.” Steve frowned.

She shook her head and tugged at his wrist. “I don’t care about the pain.”

Steve blinked at her and when she tugged again, motioning to lay in bed, he nodded.

He removed his shoes and got next to her in the small single bed. She immediately turned her back and scooted against him. Steve put his arm around her middle and to his surprise pulled her closer until he was feeling her entire body against his.

Since they left the house he had craved for this intimacy. It hadn’t been that long and he hadn’t had the time to really dwell on it, but he missed her. He missed being alone with her, to talk to her, to connect and yeah, to touch her too. They might have not been intimate in the biblical way during the relatively long time they spend there. But intimacy wasn’t something solely physical. What they had was a closeness that he had forgotten he could feel. With anyone. 

And now, against the heat of her body, he realized that it was over. 

They were back in the real world, out of their bubble, out of the comfort of their countryside house. He tried not to feel heartbroken about it, but that’s how it felt. 

In the meantime he needed to concentrate on the events of the last few hours. He was, well ‘happy’ wouldn’t be the right word, maybe ‘relieved’ could apply here. Yeah he was relieved that they found Bucky and convinced him to come with them. Well that Peggy did anyway.

Peggy put her hand on top of his and entwined their fingers, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“Let me know if you want some pain killers. I’m sure Sam has something,” he said.

“I’m fine.” Her voice was softer.

“What happened back there?” He had to ask, he had to know what she said to make Bucky follow them.

She hesitated for a few seconds but choose to answer him. “What do you want to know?”

“What did you tell Bucky at the restaurant?” 

“Well, if you want the full transcript I started with asking if he knew who I was, which he did.” She paused. “Then I asked which version of me.” 

“What did he say?” 

“Both. He said he knew both of my identities. Then I told him that we have a choice of who we want to be now, him and I.”

Her voice was almost solemn, like maybe giving that opportunity to Bucky was a way to help decide herself. 

“After that you started talking in my ear and Bucky has enhanced earring.” She continued and although he couldn’t see her Steve could almost feel her roll her eyes at him. “He knew you were out there. I needed him to trust me.”

Shit. Steve hadn’t taken that into account. In his defense he still didn’t know the extent of Bucky’s capabilities beside his super strength and metal arm. 

“That’s why you removed the comms…” He said pensively.

“Yes.” She insisted in a way to accentuate his mistake.

“I’m sorry. I almost screwed this all up.”

Steve shook a bit his head which resulted in nuzzling against the skin of her neck. Peggy slightly arched her back in response before letting out a breath.

“Luckily you’re better at chasing people than sticking with a plan that isn’t yours.”

Steve chuckled. He hoped her silence indicated she was smiling too.

“And after the car chase. When you had him on the ground?”

“I told him that this was his opportunity to make a choice. He could keep running or change his fate and come with us.”

They both fell silent at her last words. Steve had been right when he was certain she wasn’t threatening him but convincing him to follow them. But the meaning of her offer was beyond just giving Bucky a choice.

“Is that what you did? Chose to change your fate when you came with me in England?” His tone was soft and careful.

It took her a minute to finally answer.

“I didn’t know at the time,” she said just above a whisper like she was talking to herself. 

“What do you mean?” 

“ _ You _ changed my fate.”

His hold around her middle tightened and she took his hand to put it on her heart. He was afraid to find her heart beat going too fast, that she would start to panic but she didn’t. Her heart rate was fast but not enough to be worrying. He lay his hand flat above her breasts and pressed his palm there, his thumb caressing the skin of her collar bone.

“No. I didn’t. It was all you,” he told her, letting his lips press on the skin of her shoulder.

…

It was around four in the morning when Sam knocked lightly on the door. Peggy jumped into a sitting position on the bed, a gun in hand while Steve rolled on his back.

Sam cracked opened the door without looking inside. “You guys decent?” 

Peggy locked back the security on the gun and set it on the chair next to the bed while Steve stood up giving her a look.

“Where were you hiding this?” He asked, his voice hoarse with sleep. 

Peggy just shrugged. “Under the pillow.”

Steve walked to the door and opened it to reveal Sam leaning on the frame with a small smile on his face.

“Hey,” Steve said.

“‘Morning sleepy head. You think I can get a few hours of beauty sleep, or you need more time to recover from your nightly activities?”

Steve groaned at Sam’s joke and walked away from the door. 

When he looked back Peggy was already wearing her jeans and stuffing her belongings in her duffle bag. 

“You would have known if there were any  _ nightly activities _ happening in this room last night.” She said as she zipped up her ankle boots and propped up the bag in the crock of her elbow.

She walked toward them, passed Steve and Sam before turning around. “He doesn’t know it yet.” She looked at Steve. “But I’m not the quiet type.”

She swayed her hips as she left the room.

Steve couldn’t retain a quiet groan and passed his hand on his face. It was way to early in the morning and certainly fucking rude from Peggy to put that kind of image in his head when Sam was in the room.

His friend let out a huff of amusement.

“Okay that was a good one.”

Steve lifted his eyes to the ceiling. “Yeah sure, when she’s fucking with me you suddenly don’t think she’s so mean.”

Sam slapped his shoulder.

“Absolutely. Now let me rest my eyes for a bit and start making calls for our transport back to the States.” Sam gave Steve a smug smile. “And  _ you _ wanted to go after her, now you gotta take your responsibilities. Good luck.” 

The rest of the morning was pretty uneventful. Peggy watched the security system and cameras for most of it. She was getting herself a manicure at the same time, balancing herself on the back legs of her chair, one feet propped up on the table. Steve had thought about asking her if it was really the right moment to do that but after all multitasking was pretty much a super spy second nature. He imagined that she would be perfectly capable of strangling a man with her ankles while sipping a glass of wine without spilling a drop of it.

Bucky seemed to be asleep on a small dusty couch in the main room. Steve spent a moment watching him, lost in his thoughts until the Winter Soldier opened up an eye. “No one told you it’s creepy to watch people while they sleep?”

Steve heard Peggy snorting behind him and he leaned back on his chair.

It was still late evening on the East coast so Steve took his chance and called Tony, after gathering his courage and mentally preparing how to explain the situation.

The billionaire answered right away. The conversation wasn’t exactly easy on Steve’s end. He wasn’t sure he was in any position to ask favors from Tony. But Tony himself told him a few days ago, if they needed anything, he could call him.

“You said you were here if I needed help.”

_ “And I meant it,” _   Tony said in a serious tone.

“Well, I kind of have something big to ask. And… potentially illegal.”

_ “Cap, oh my! That cannot be.”   _ Tony said in a sarcastic and falsly shocked voice.

Peggy lifted her eyes from the screens in front of her for a second when Steve let out an annoyed sigh. Why did he think he was going to be able to slowly break it up, Tony Stark would have never allow him to, without sassing him all the way. So Steve might as well be blunt.

“We found him Tony. He’s with us.”

The other end of the line was silent for a few seconds. Tony was processing the news.

_ “He came with you? Willingly?” _   Tony was serious again.

“Yes. He…” Steve glanced at Bucky who still had his arm covering his eyes but Steve knew better than to think he was actually asleep. “He’s cooperating,” was the most neutral thing Steve could say with Bucky in the room. Steve would eventually be more specific with Tony. He had to, he owed him that. And after all Tony and Bruce were probably the only persons who could help understand what HYDRA did to both Bucky and Peggy’s minds. He needed to work with them, not hide information from them.

_ “You are still in Europe?” _

“Yeah, we’re in Romania. That’s why we need you.”

_ “You need extraction.”   _ Tony simply stated, understanding the request. Steve heard faint beeping sounds and figured Tony was tipping somewhere on a computer.  _ “The jet’s ready. I need your coordinates and it’ll be there in a few hours, depending on where you are exactly.” _

“He’s not the only one who’s with us.” Steve glanced at Peggy. She looked up at him with an unreadable expression.

_ “You found another dead friend of yours turned assassin?” _   Tony joked on the phone.

“Actually, yes.” Steve said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Tony made a strangled sound and suddenly Steve wished he could see his face at this moment. 

“Peggy Carter.” Steve said still looking at Peggy, worry drawing on his features, but she didn’t seem to react beside straightening herself like she was trying to control herself.

_ “Peggy Carter, like in Director Carter? The one who founded SHIELD with my father back at the beginning? I thought she was dead.” _

“So did I.” Steve watched Peggy.

The call ended shortly after Steve gave Tony their coordinates and Tony located the closest airfield to send his jet. Steve promised to explain everything as soon as they reached New York.

Less than twenty hours later, the four of them landed on the tarmac in Teterboro Airport where an unmarked minivan from Stark Industry was waiting to bring them to the Tower.

During the car ride they all fell silent. In the plane, she and Bucky had been speaking in private for a couple of hours before they both went to sit with Steve and Sam. The first minutes were pretty uncomfortable if not completely awkward. But Peggy and Bucky soon started talking, giving Sam and Steve intel on the remaining HYDRA cells across the globe. At least, the ones they were aware of.

Bucky mentioned the existence of a program to create more Winter Soldiers, who were still in cryo and could be awaken if the commands to do so fell in the wrong hands. Steve marked that as their top priority. Bucky explained quickly how he still could potentially be a danger to them all. He spoke about trigger words, mind control and compliance. Steve tried not to break the pencil he was holding to take notes.

Sam didn’t seem happy to hear he was still a probable threat while Steve pondered in silence what his friend had explained. Obviously there was more to it and Steve itched to ask more questions, to understand better what they could do to help him. 

Peggy confirmed his explanation without giving more details. She didn’t endured the same procedure, there were no conditioned response in her case and while she has never worked with Bucky in the past, she still was involved on some level on the Winter Soldier experiments. She turned at Bucky who didn’t seem to know this information and watched her hardly. She gave him a silent look that neither Sam nor Steve wanted to break. Again, the communication between them seemed to go deeper than simple words. After a few seconds of consideration Bucky gave her a quick nod and said a couple of words in Russian, quietly. Steve realized that having Peggy and Bucky together could be something actually positive for both their future. He hoped so.

After that the plane fell silent, with most of its passengers falling asleep for the last few hours separating them from the United States. Steve remained awake, nervously trying to anticipate what was expecting them back home.

Now the skyline of Manhattan was flashing by the car’s windows. Steve noticed the tight lines on Peggy’s features, a frown creased her forehead and her lips were set in a hard line.

He discreetly sneaked his hand in hers, threading their fingers together. Peggy flicked her look to Steve. For a second he was afraid she would withdraw and push him away. But she let out a deep sigh and squeezed his hand, looking back at the window outside.

Steve dropped his head and closed his eyes a second. Maybe it was all going to be alright in the end.

...

Steve was fixating on an invisible spot on the floor before him, a glass of water he hadn’t touch yet in his hand. He was leaning on the kitchen counter in the suite Tony made available for him to stay in. 

As soon as they arrived the four of them were taken to Tony’s private floor where he was waiting along with Pepper Potts, Bruce Banner and Maria Hill. Tony assured that no one else knew about their return to the States beside the people present in this room. Sam and Steve tried their best to explain the situation quickly, from Bucky and Peggy’s history as assassins for HYDRA to the intel they gathered thanks to them on the current state of the nazi organization. 

Pepper decided there was no need to go into too much details for now. They needed rest and this briefing could be resumed in the morning so they could decided on the best course of action from then on.

They were assigned rooms on the same floor level, extra security was added for the two former soviet agents at Tony’s request. Steve didn’t oppose the decision, giving Peggy and Bucky a look to which Bucky answered with a quick nod. Steve understood that Tony and Pepper had to make sure the Tower was secure. Although as much as Stark Industry security resources were impressive, especially now that they were lead by Maria Hill, Steve was pretty sure that wouldn’t stop either of them from neutralizing their security details if they wanted to. But Steve kept that to himself. 

Now he couldn’t find the courage in him to go to bed. These last few days had been hectic enough, his mind couldn’t shut up and he was scared that his night would be filled with nightmares.

He had taken a quick shower and changed for a pair of sweatpants, eaten something from the fully-stocked fridge and was now trying not to focus too much on the consequences they all could face if the government learnt they brought back one of the main person of interest in the downfall of the Triskelion and SHIELD just a year ago. 

Peggy’s implication wasn’t really clear but she did mention giving HYDRA intel on SHIELD when it was first create which potentially helped them infiltrate the organization. That was without taking into account that she probably had dozens of arrest warrants for her operations with the KGB in the past few decades, same as Bucky.

He needed to talk with Stark’s legal counsel on how to manage the political and juridical repercussions. Pepper should be the one to talk to on that matter. He was definitely expecting her to have worked up a plan for this since Tony and SI were now involved.

Steve was about to sit on the couch and turn on the tv so he could try and busy his thoughts with mindless programs when he heard the soft click of the door opening.

Instinctively he ducked down behind the kitchen island to avoid being spotted, looking around for something to use as a weapon in case the intruder wasn’t friendly. Steve peaked at the corner of the counter when the door opened fully, revealing a familiar figure. He rose back up from the floor and Peggy leaned her head to the side, kicking the door closed with her feet behind her.

“At ease soldier.” She said with a sly smile.

“How did you get in here?”

Peggy’s eyes lingered a little on his bare torso before looking around the room as she took a few steps inside. Steve leaned on the kitchen island.

“And how did you get out of your quarters with all the security?” 

He watched the corner of her lips turn up but she didn’t answer right away.

“I left a note in my room saying I was here if they ever check.” 

Steve ducked his head and let out an amused huff. Then she was there, in front of him, looking at him earnestly.

“I want to stay here with you tonight.” Her voice was quiet.

“Alright,” was the only thing he could think of saying when she was watching him that way, her big brown eyes like two beacons calling out for him.

He put his hand on her cheek and she leaned in the touch. Peggy’s fingers grazed the skin of his pectoral and she lifted her eyes to him.

“I still can’t…” He said with difficulty, not sure what he actually wanted to tell her. “This is—.”

“I know,” she cut him. “I’m not asking for anything more than falling asleep in your arms.”

Steve’s breath caught in his throat. She was so candid and vulnerable, he wanted to lift her from the floor and carry her to the bedroom, drop her on the bed and climb on top of her body to lose himself in her. Even better he just wanted to be back to their house in England and simply fall asleep under a cover in front of a warm fire. He missed it so fucking much it ached.


	11. Forgiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to post this. It required a LOT of editing and I'm not still 100% sure I'm satisfied with what I wrote. But I have to post it otherwise I'll keep on getting frustrated over this.  
> Thank you everyone for the kind words and encouragement. It really is a great motivation to write, especially in the past few weeks, it's been a bit complicated for me, so it means a lot.

Peggy walked in Steve’s suite, holding her heels with one hand to avoid making noise. As soon as she reached the main room, she spotted him on the couch, reading. Or rather, faking to be reading.

It was nearly two in the morning. Steve had tried not to worry when he didn’t see her coming to share his bed. He knew she didn’t really left the Tower. At least not often. She couldn’t allow to be spotted by any of her enemies. And they were many. The Tower provided an excellent opportunity to lay low. 

But when he started sending her text messages and she didn’t answer, his guts started to twist. He asked JARVIS about her whereabouts but beside informing him that Peggy wasn’t in the vicinity of the building, JARVIS didn’t have any more information to share. Which made Steve even more nervous. He was about to put his suit on and probably go on a rampage to find her when JARVIS informed him that she had made it back to the Tower and was on her way to their floor.

“Where were you?” Steve’s clearly annoyed voice resonated in the quiet place. His annoyance was mostly due to his concern. The building panic that she was in trouble or worst, she had left him without a word was still too vivid.

She dropped the shoes on the floor and walked to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine. Steve kept the fridge stocked with stuff only she drank or ate. He still couldn’t understand how no one had noticed she spent more time in his quarters than in the ones that she was assigned to.

“I was with Sam,” she said flatly.

“What?” Steve shot back and turned around abruptly to look at her, his anger at her replaced by surprise.

She shrugged. “We went to a bar. Had a few drinks.”

That’s how Steve learnt that Sam and Peggy had actually started to develop some sort of friendship. The following day Steve had a heated talk with Sam about why his friend hadn’t said anything,  _ “Not my place. It’s her life, she’s the one that need to tell you what’s going on with it.” _

After that Sam and Peggy would mostly meet over breakfast, or at least inform Steve if they were leaving the Tower. Steve was a bit relentless in wanting to understand why Peggy needed Sam’s ear, why his wasn’t enough. She finally caved one night and told Steve that, yes she asked for Sam’s help herself to deal with everything and she needed Steve to step away, to let her handle her own shit. Steve was too bias to hear what she had to talk about. She needed someone that didn’t know her, at least not who she used to be, if she wanted to make peace with who she had become.

Bucky had Bruce and often Dr Cho coming in to assess him and help with finding the correct treatment to remove the triggers in his brain, spending hours on it almost everyday. Tony and Cho started working together on building a machine that could repair and erase brain cells that were altered by HYDRA’s treatment, the tricky part was not removing all his memories along with it. It would take some time but Bruce was adamant they were on the right path.

Unfortunately there was nothing they could do for Peggy. There were fewer traces of treatments, nothing as invasive as Bucky’s. No conditionnement. Just plain old brainwashing. They erased her memories and mentally broke her into submission. 

Tony mentioned hypnosis one day with a grimace and Peggy threw a tray full of medical instruments at his face, which included scalpels and other very sharp tools as Tony screamed at her when Steve dragged her out of the lab kicking and ready to murder Tony out of frustration. After that she never set foot back there. No one could help her but herself. And Sam, she finally admitted. 

She could have asked to talk to a psychiatrist but she didn’t trust anyone beside Steve. And if Steve trusted Sam, then she might as well try and do the same. His role as counselor for war vets proved to be more impactful than she had anticipated and even if that didn’t gave her back her memories, it did help with the panic attacks and accepting what she felt. She was the one who seeked for Sam’s help. She liked his bluntness when he told her the truth about her behavior and called her out when she was shutting down, while Steve was still tiptoeing around her much to her annoyance.

Both of them also seemed to be on the same page when it came to tease Steve. Something Bucky picked up pretty quickly too and soon it had become a good-natured way to build trust between the three of them. It might be annoying sometimes but Steve couldn’t help a warm feeling to build up inside him when he saw Sam, Bucky and Peggy smiling at some joke one of them made at his expense. 

…

It had been four months. Four months since they came back to New York. Now that Bucky was on the way to getting rid of his conditioning and Peggy was working on her own issues, Steve decided it might be a good start to plan how to take down the HYDRA cells the former assassins reported to them.

They had done extensive research on the remaining Winter Soldiers’ location and luckily found it before anyone else did. Seeing the men and women asleep in their cryo state had been a hard blow for Steve. It put images in his head of Bucky in the same state and as soon as he dozed off to sleep, he was shaken with nightmares. 

But now Peggy was in his bed when it happened. She never went back to the quarters she was assigned to, ever since their first night at the Tower. She just slept there, by his side, under his arms or in the crock of his neck. Barely touching each other more than simple caresses and reassuring embraces. Steve never allowed himself to even kiss her. She never asked for more.

The simple fact that he could feel her hand as she touched his forehead when he was woken up in a pool of sweat by horrible dreams of his friends’ death and tortures was more than he could have ever wished for.

The decision was made to bring back the other Winter Soldiers and deliver them to the authorities. That’s when dealing with the government and the UN had to start. The Avengers alone couldn’t handle this and it certainly wasn’t the right move to hide it. Tony worked with them to help remove the triggers HYDRA implanted in them with a similar process he used on Bucky. Obviously without disclosing how he was able to test it in the first place.

They all decided that the world wasn’t ready to deal with Bucky Barnes just yet. And that he wasn’t either. They would have to, eventually. 

In the meantime, Bucky and Peggy stayed at the Tower, monitoring and helping with tactical strategy via comms. Neither of them complained about staying behind when the team was out on mission. They both understood that it was safer for everyone that way and it still provided them the relief of being able to help destroy the monsters that made them.

She was much better. To his surprise, she started to get some memories back. It was nothing extensive, small fragments of her childhood mostly. A smell, a sensation. But she was certain she wasn’t imagining it. It helped calming her panic attacks tremendously. Sam focused mostly on her anger and anxiety, seeing that it was all linked to when she was having these flashes. Working to bring HYDRA down was also a welcomed distraction.

That day Steve, Sam, Tony and Clint were coming back from a successful mission in the quinjet. They met Natasha on the ground there. She helped complete the mission and Steve took her aside once they were loading the jet with the material and intel to deliver to the authorities back home.

“I know she’s with you,” she said going straight to the point, “I don’t know if I can...” She didn’t finish her sentence.

“She’s made progress, you know. I think—” Steve tried to find the right words, “I think if you’ll see her and if you talk with her, it could be good. For both of you.”

Natasha looked down and lifted her head again. Her eyes were filled with a vulnerability she didn’t let a lot of people witnessed. 

“Whenever you feel ready,” he told her softly.

She gave him a tight smile to answer his carefulness.

“You think I should do this?”

“I won’t pressure you into coming back with us. I’m just here to tell you that she wants to meet you.”

She gave him a quick short nod. Steve settled his hand on her cheek. 

“I owe you a lot Nat.”

…

On the flight back, Tony put on some music when the jet fell silent. Clint and him started bickering about the choices of songs while Nat had put on headphones and was keeping to herself, seemingly wanting to prepare what she had to face back home.

Steve went to sit at the back of the aircraft and pulled out his phone. He sent a text to Peggy to tell her Natasha was coming back with them. He knew she had followed the mission from the briefing room and she was probably wondering if they would return with her former trainee from the Red room. 

He hesitated a second before hitting send. He wanted to add that he missed her. That he missed her scent and her warmth these last three nights he spent out there. He shook his head, he couldn’t. Not when he still refused to be with her fully. That wasn’t fair. 

He pressed send on his initial, matter-of-fact text warning her about their return with Natasha when Sam sat down next to him.

“Has she officially moved in your quarters?”

Steve’s head shot up to watch the smug smile on his friend’s face while he leaned as comfortably as he could in the back seat of the quinjet.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Steve narrowed his eyes.

“Do you realize how little privacy we have in this tower? Pretty much everyone knows she sleeps in your suite every night.”

Steve let out an annoyed groan and passed his hand on his face. Maybe they weren’t that discreet. He heard Sam quiet amused huff as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I’m kidding, man. She told me. I don’t think anyone else is aware. But your secret is safe with me, you know that.”

Steve looked at Sam who’s smile dropped gradually when he noticed Steve’s serious look.

“You asked me a long time ago what made me happy,” Steve said, waiting a moment for Sam to remember their discussion back after the VA meeting in DC. “She did. Despite everything, she still does,” he admitted slowly.

Sam wasn’t smiling anymore, he leaned his elbows on his knees.

“Then what are you waiting for?” He asked intently.

“I thought you’d disapproved.” Steve was surprised. 

Sam sighed loudly.

“In a sort of twisted but healthy way I think it’s good for her to be with you. You’re her anchor. She’s been processing what happened to her, to her identity. All of it, it’s— it’s fucking traumatizing, being whipped of who she was and forced to practically do the same thing to other girls. But you being by her side also triggered feelings that are reassuring, healing. I don’t think she would have survived and processed everything the same way if you hadn’t been there for her.” He paused. “I wasn’t sure it was good for you though.”

“My life didn’t have meaning until they were back in the picture, Bucky and her. I mean Steve Rogers’ life. Captain America, it’s— I have lived for others since the day Erskine strapped me to the table. I had this gift, I had to give back. I still do. I just deserve a chance to have a life, you know. To connect with someone.”

“Yeah, of course. You don’t have to be a martyr to help others.”

“It’s not just that. When I chose to help her, I also made a choice for myself, for once. Maybe for the first time since enrolling in the army. I chose to open up to her. To allow her to know me. The real me.” 

“Then let me ask again, what the fuck are you waiting for?” Sam had a crooked smile on his face.

“She— she still doesn’t remember. She has some flashes, sometimes she feels something but she doesn’t know what we had.”

“Maybe it’s time to build something new then? Something that isn’t anchored in the past?”

“Wouldn’t that be hypocritical? Wouldn’t I be holding onto something that’s not there anymore? What if I wake up one morning and realize that I’m only in love with who the memory of her, not who she is?”

He finally voiced his fears out loud and it sent a wave of fear clenching at his heart.

“You just told me she makes you happy.”

“I— yeah I did. I just—” he shakes his head. “I don’t want to hurt her. She’s been through enough.”

“What did I just say about being a martyr? Think about yourself. Think about what  _ you _ want.”

Steve’s phone buzzed in his hand. Peggy sent an answer to his text. 

_ “Thanks for the heads up. I guess it’s time to face with my past.” _

Steve stared down at his phone. Before he has time to type back anything, it buzzed again.

_ “Sleeping in an empty bed for three nights was hell btw. I missed your arms.” _

The first thing that popped into his mind was that he wanted to be with her. Period. Not that she needed to remember, not that she needed to be the Peggy he knew back then. He simply wanted to be with  _ her _ . Flashes of their time together in the house came to his mind. The feeling of his skin under the water of the bath. The warm light the fire was casting on her face. The sadness in her eyes when she was looking at the cliffs and the ocean and that she allowed him to witness.  

Steve suddenly understood that in the process of helping Peggy he hadn’t really thought about why he wanted so viscerally to make her remember. Of course what he felt and still feels for the Peggy Carter he knew back during the war was a big part of it. But there was something else too. 

He could feel his heartbeat accelerating. The connection they made back in that cold house was the deepest he has ever built with anyone. Of course it had started because she used to be the woman he fell desperately in love with and mourned for years. But it grew into something bigger, stronger. That was it. That was what he wanted. Not the old Peggy, not the woman he had idealized. He wanted to be with someone that would love him, for who he was now. Not for the idea of Captain America, not for the romanticized version of the man out of his time. But for Steve.

...

Several hours later they landed on the helipad at the top of the Tower. Peggy, nor Bucky were waiting for them as they sometimes did. The group walked to the operations room where Bucky was the only one present. His feet, crossed at the ankles, were propped up one of the large desks.

“Feet off the table, Soviet Bloc.” Tony told him dryly.

Bucky lifted his head barely acknowledging Tony and didn’t move. He watched Steve who was looking around the room.

“She’s in the commons,” Bucky told him.

Steve turned around to look for Natasha but she wasn’t there either. The spy seemingly hadn’t followed them. He realized he didn’t know when she might have left their group in the short walk from the roof to the ops offices. His jaw clenched but he dropped his weight on a chair, resigned to get through this briefing and leave Nat and Peggy to deal with what they had to without interfering. 

After they finally went through the mission and Bucky dismissed everyone so he could work on the report, Steve went to search for Peggy and Natasha. He knew he should have gone directly to his quarters and wait for Peggy there. She didn’t need him to face Natasha. It wouldn’t help to be there. This had nothing to do with him. But he couldn’t help his worry to eat him up inside. He had to know that they were both okay and hopefully hadn’t try to kill each other by now.

He walked into the shared kitchen of their private floor when he heard two voices talking softly. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Peggy standing there, a few feet away from Natasha.

They both stopped talking without looking at him, but clearly aware of his presence. He wasn’t sure what to do. He clearly hadn’t thought this through. 

“You can come in, Steve,” Peggy said, her eyes still on Natasha, “I think we were done?” She asked the Black Widow softly.

Natasha gave her a nod. There was no smile, no watchful glance, but Steve didn’t see any animosity either.

“For now.” The redhead concluded, before Peggy gave her a respectful bow of the head. 

“I’ll be here, whenever you want to talk.” Peggy walked past Steve, brushing her hand on his forearm. 

They didn’t say anything and Peggy was out of the kitchen seconds later.

The air was tight and the tension just as thick as it had been between Bucky and Peggy when they met in Bucharest. Steve walked in the room carefully, watching as Natasha poured herself a cup a coffee, then a second one that she extended to him as a welcome to stay.

“How was it?” 

He couldn’t not ask. She blinked a couple of time and let out a sigh.

“Like seeing a ghost,” she said darkly but took a sip at her coffee before continuing. “Actually it went better than I expected.” She dropped her head and smiled tightly. “I always imagined I’d want to shoot her or just beat the shit out of her when I’d saw her again.”

Steve squeezed the mug in his hand tightly, careful not to break it.

“But she apologized. She apologized for something that was done to her. Something she was forced to do.” Her voice was gradually lowering. “Just like me.” 

“I told you she’s made progress.” Steve was relieved.

“Yeah, yeah. I just wasn’t sure I believed you.” She lifted her eyes and looked at him. “You have no idea what I endured. What they did to me. She’s the face of that. When I see her, I’m back there. Just like that.” She snapped her fingers loudly. “It’s gonna take me a while to stop feeling that way.”

“We’re not asking you to unsee anything. She knows, and I know that what happened to you, what they did to you, using her as a tool, was despicable. It was torture. You have every right to take your time, or maybe to never be able to speak with her again.”

“Well it’s going to be complicated now that she’s your girlfriend.” Natasha raised one brow. She wasn’t joking though, it was more of an inquiring to understand what was happening between Steve and Peggy.

“She’s not—” He winced, stopping himself. He couldn’t lie to Natasha. He had to be fair and honest with her. “I don’t know exactly where we are on that front. But yeah, I’m not leaving her and I think she wants to stick with me. Are you cool with that?”

Natasha shook her head, a frown on her face. “I’m in no position to say anything, Steve. It’s your life.”

“You’re my friend.” He put the coffee mug on the counter and took a few step closer to Natasha. “You’re allowed to an opinion.”

“If you’re looking for my approval, look somewhere else. You’re a big boy. It’s time to decide for yourself.” She gave him a smirk. “Ask Wilson, I’m sure he has an opinion on the matter.”

Steve snorted and brushed his neck with his hand. “Yeah, you know he does.”

He couldn’t stop himself to take a few steps closer and encircle his arms around her. They stayed silent for a while, Natasha welcoming Steve’s embrace and leaning onto him.

“You sure you’re alright Nat?”

“I will be.” She detached herself and looked at him, both her hands slid to strongly set on his shoulders, providing him a support he relished for. “And you’ll be too.”


	12. Reconstruction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is. I know I just posted the previous chapter the other day after weeks without nothing and now this one haha. My publishing schedule is a mess. Anyway, this is the last chapter. I actually quite like this ending, even if I struggled for weeks before finally be satisfied. Hope you'll like it too.
> 
> Thank you everyone who stuck with me on this journey. I hope you enjoyed it! And thank you everyone who left me such amazing comments here and on Tumblr. I'm always amazed that people read and like what I write. You guys rock.

As soon as he left the kitchen and Natasha, Steve went to look for Peggy. JARVIS informed him that she was in the ops room. When he walked in she was alone, standing and pacing while she read something on a tablet.

She was wearing a simple black v-neck t-shirt and skinny jeans that hugged every curves of her body. Her hair was loose over her shoulders and her face was bare of makeup. Steve was stricken at how beautiful she looked even in the simplest style. God he had missed her. The feeling was even stronger now that he had finally came to the realization that she was everything he was looking for. Just the person she was today. No one else.

She lifted up her eyes to him as soon as he entered. The tiny smile that draw on her lips was like a magnet. He closed the door behind him and took a few long strides around the briefing table, without saying a word, taking his time. She followed his movements in silence, her smile flattering and her lips parting slightly.

“What are you—” She started to ask when he reached her, sliding one hand behind her neck and the other around the small of her back. He pulled her close and captured her lips with his.

Peggy let out an irrepressible moan that Steve felt against his mouth. She dropped the tablet on the table and her hands moved immediately to pull at the hair of his neck. They kissed with hunger, with an impatience that had been building up ever since their first kiss in the barn.

Steve pushed them backwards until her bottom hit the table and pressed himself against her. Her hands traveled down all the way from his neck to his ass and she dug her nails into the fabric of his pants and the firm muscles under it.

Steve groaned and jerked against her. He pulled out to breath for a second, looking briefly at her face before she attacked him with her lips in return. She wouldn’t let him go, couldn’t probably. And he understood the urge, he was in the same state. He slided one hand under her ass to lift her up and set her on the table. Her response was immediate and she opened her legs to let him fill the space while she firmly hooked her ankles behind him.  

His hands snaked under her t-shirt and he felt the hot skin of her back under his palms. She arched under his touch when the door of the operations room opened suddenly behind them.

“Wow.” Bucky let out before shoving his hand on Clint’s chest, who was following him, preventing the archer to step inside.

“What—” Clint protested. “Why do you—” He pushed Bucky to walk back in and when his eyes landed on Steve and Peggy he let out a shocked “Oh”, followed by another amused one. “Oh.”

Bucky was barely able to refrain the smirk on his face while Peggy was climbing down from the table, Steve already a few feet away from her, trying to sooth an invisible tuft of hair with his hand.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Bucky said, clearly not sorry at all.

Behind him Clint was trying not to laugh. “Mmh, you called us, and huh—” He mumbled, clearing his throat.

Peggy straightened herself, looked at Steve for a second and suddenly took his hand.

“Well the documents you need to review are on that Starkpad. Suit yourself. We’re out of here,” she stated firmly, tugging at Steve. He followed her outside of the room, passing in front of his friends with a sheepish look.

She took quick steps and slowed down a little as soon as they were out of Bucky and Clint’s sight. She let out a deep breath but kept her fingers laced with Steve’s.

They walked for a moment in silent along the corridors of the floor before Steve finally gained his composure again and all his blood back in his brain so he could think about what he just did back there.

“What happened with Natalia?” She asked him suddenly. “I’m not complaining.” She added quickly arching her brow and they both stopped once they were in front of the elevator.

He looked down at her, her beautiful brown eyes lifting up and watching him with something that resembled to hope.

“Nothing. We just talked. And—” He let out a sigh. “Then you were there, so beautiful and your smile. Your smile for me. I don’t know. I think I’m done waiting for…” He let his words hanging and shook his head lightly.

“For the old Peggy to come back?” She asked, the hope in her eyes turning into a pleading expression.

The elevator dinged open and they both walked in. When the door closed, Steve wanted to resume what they had been doing back in the briefing room. So badly. He wanted to capture her lips, to feel her naked skin on his palms. He looked up to the corner of the elevator ceiling and Peggy followed his gaze. A surveillance camera. Being caught by Buck and Clint was already too mortifying. Better not add to the embarrassment. He already knew they wouldn’t hear the end of it with these two. Sam has probably been summoned to hear the tale.

He looked down at her, she was shaking slightly, her fists opening and closing to contain the trembling. He turned around and took both her hands in his.

“I don’t want to old Peggy. I don’t want anyone else but you.”

She still wasn’t looking at him. He lifted her chin up.

“I’ve never felt closer to anyone. You make me whole,” he whispered his last phrase like he wanted to share this secret only with her.

Her eyes opened widely but she didn’t have time to react before the elevator doors opened, straddling her. Steve stayed planted in front of her, they didn’t move for a few seconds until the sliding door closed behind him. He pivoted enough to block it with one hand without breaking eye contact with Peggy.

She was still watching him and captured her bottom lip between her teeth. His eyes immediately dropped there.

It was almost excruciating to remove his gaze from her face. They finally walked to their suite, the door unlocked as soon as Steve curled his fingers around the biometric fingerprint door knob.

She barely waited for the door to close before jumping on Steve and forcibly backing him against the wall. She was met with just as much fervor.

She had her hand in his hair, pulling at it, her nails scratching his scalp while she was kissing him, her tongue licking at his with hunger. His hands gripped her hips a little too hard to grind against her but she didn’t move away. Her mouth was everywhere, trailing kisses across his jaw, his neck. Steve’s head dropped back and hit the wall with a hoarse moan. He felt her smile against his skin and she let her hand travel down his taut stomach until she was palming him through his pants. He hissed between gritted teeth.

His heart was pounding so hard, the old version of him would already had at least two heart attacks in the last three minutes. He chuckled at the thought. He wouldn’t have probably been able to handle anything about Peggy when he was still that scrawny guy looking for trouble.

At his soft laugh Peggy’s attention turned from his neck to his face.

“What?” She asked suspiciously with a devilish smile.

Steve reopened his eyes.

“You going straight to it.” His brooklyn accent was thick.

She bit her lip and stroked her palm further onto his length, arching so her breasts were pressed against his chest.

“ _Jesus_.” The words vibrated between his clasped teeth.

“I didn’t wait this long to pussyfoot about,” she said as she stepped back slightly to lift her t-shirt above her head.

Steve immediately forgot the missing sensation of her fingers on his cock as his eyes dropped on the black lace adorning her voluptuous breasts. He mimicked her and removed his top hastily.

It was Peggy’s turn to take a moment to trail her eyes on his perfect torso.

“You have no idea how much I wanted to rip off those disgustingly tight tank tops you wore while repairing the barn.” She watched him through her lashes, relishing on the way his breath was becoming more and more uneven. “I touched myself more than once thinking of you.”

Steve let out a guttural sound and flexed his fingers at his side. She wasn’t moving, her gaze never wavered, watching him like a hawk. The way her voice sounded, so husky and thick with desire. It was turning him on even more than when her hands were on him.

She looked at him a little defiant, with a familiar darkness in her eyes. But this was different. This was not manipulation. It was the truth, but she did want to provoke him, to make him react.  And it worked perfectly.

She hooked her fingers in his belt and tugged. She started walking backwards toward the bed, never letting her eyes out of him. He let her guide him and didn’t touch her. He wanted her to guide the dance, to take the reins. When she reached the bed, she removed her shoes and pushed them on the side. She skimmed down her jeans and Steve did the same, kicking away his shoes and pants.

Then for a moment they just stared at each other. Simply standing there. Without a word. This was happening. After seventy years, after what felt like three different lives, they were finally here.  


She moved backwards on the bed and Steve’s instincts were to move above her. Crawling on his hands and knees he hovered above her before feeling her hand on his cock again. The thin fabric of his boxer made it even more delicious than before. Her fingers snaked under his underwear and she wrapped herself around him and started moving with long and slow strokes. Steve’s groan was cut short when he pushed aside the lace covering her breast and capture her nipple in his mouth. She was the one to moan now, arching her back to give him better access.

He lowered his hips and settled next to her, still at reaching distance so she could keep on touching him. He roughly shoved away her bra from her other breast and nibbled at her sensitive bud. She seemed to like it so he licked and bit and made her moaning so hard, she was stroking him faster now, with an urgency that was driving him mad. With one hand he gripped the fabric of the bra and ripped it open in the middle. Peggy yelped at the surprise and lifted her head to look at him. She didn’t have time to protest and dropped back on the pillow when his other hand went straight in her panties, without warning. His fingers started spreading her dampness all over her folds and on her clit and she started to let out incredible whimpers that would have made him harder if that ever was possible.

After a few seconds where she seemed to recover slightly from what he was doing to her, she lifted her eyes to watch him. Her thumb went over the tip of his cock and she spread his prucum over it. She squeezed around his length, stroking in the same rhythm as his fingers inside her and Steve was on the verge to see stars.

“Fuck Peggy, I—” He froze, stopping himself.

He stayed still for a second and she stopped moving too, her hand still around him.

“I’m sorry.” He searched in her eyes, a small ball of panic building in his chest after he called her with a name she still had trouble hearing.

She was breathing hard and her cheeks were bright red, silky brown hair a mess around her beautiful face.

“Say it again,” she whispered, seeming just as surprised as he was with the words that were coming out of her mouth.

He frowned.

“Say my name again,” she said, this time with more confidence.

“Peggy.” His voice sounded small and hesitant. “Peggy,” he repeated with a little more certainty. His fingers inside her started moving in circle, slowly, his thumb pressing at her clit and she moaned.

“Peggy…” He trailed kisses along her jaw and fucked her harder, encouraged by her whimpers. “I love you Peg,” he whispered next to her ear and he felt her walls clenching around his fingers. She fell silent almost immediately and he took his time to watch her, flushed and panting. Vulnerable.

After a long minute, she lifted herself on her elbows and looked at him, something unreadable on her features.

“Lie down,” she ordered and he complied turning around on the bed so he was on his back. He watched her remove her soaking wet panties before she skimmed down his boxer. He let her take control again. He sprung free and she seemed very pleased at the sight, giving him a long glance and brushing it with her fingers in a feather touch that made his cock twitch.

She braced herself on his chest and straddled him. He was immediately overwhelmed by the heat of her core on his cock. She rocked a little back and forth, spreading her juices on his length slowly and reached between them to guide him inside her.

He never wavered away from her and when he was finally inside her his eyes fluttered close of their own volition. She felt so good. Better than he had imagined, so much better than when he was touching himself thinking about her. Better than any other women he had been with. It was like nothing he could have fathomed.

She started moving slowly at first. He could feel her eyes on him, studying him, but he didn’t open them. He kept them close, relishing in the sensation of her until she started to speed things up.

When he finally looked at her, she had her head dropped back and her breathing was loud and ragged. He could already feel her clench around him. He gripped her hips with force and tipped her over so he could lift up his hips from the bed. She dropped on his chest and slowed the fall with both her elbows on each side of his head.

He squeezed the flesh of her hips as a warning and started pounding in her. The wet sound of their flesh slaming together, her cries and his ragged breathing was invading the room. It didn’t take long before Peggy opened her eyes and bored her gaze on him as she came, her body shaking with her orgasm.

“Steve,” she cried as he drove into her a couple of time and he was gone too. Muscles clenching, fingers twisting and digging in her flesh where he was sure he would leave marks.

…

Later that night, once they both recovered, she took him to the shower where they started washing each other quietly at first before she dropped on her knees and made him come in her mouth. He turned her around and fucked her on the bathroom’s cabinet as soon as they were out of the shower.

When they came back to bed, he pulled the covers above them and dove under the sheets, spreading her legs to get a taste of her.

“Are you trying to get me to drop dead from exhaustion,” she breathed out once her fourth orgasm of the evening hit her, or was it the fifth? Steve lost track after what she did in the shower. “This is retaliation for trying to shoot you, isn’t it?”

He chuckled, his lips still hovering above her clit. His quick breaths sent a spasm over her entire body. He crawled out of the covers.

“You stabbed me. In that hotel room, you stabbed me, you didn’t shoot me.” He settled himself comfortably on the pillow next to her, an arm resting above his head and closed his eyes.

“That too,” she said and then she was silent.

He felt her shift in the bed and when he looked at her, she was sitting up straight backing onto the bed frame, her fist clutching at the sheet covering her breasts. She was fixating something in the opposite corner of the room, next to the door. His eyes traveled to the point that was captivating her. His shield. It was propped up on the wall, in his usual spot. She never gave it a lot of attention. He stopped getting upset about it. The old Peggy would have known the importance of it. She didn’t. And it was okay.

“The marks are gone,” she said, still looking at the shield.

Suddenly he realized the meaning of the words she said before. He straightened up on the bed to come to her level. The wave of hope that submerged him was so overwhelming he let out two shaking breaths.

She turned around at the sound and put her hand on his cheek.

“The mark of where I sh—” She started but he cut her.

“You remember?” He couldn’t stop himself.

“Yes.” She smiled, looking just as astonished as he was. “I think I do.”

…

“Peggy?” Steve called out as he opened the door of their apartment. He was returning from a four days long mission and was still wearing his suit.

She was in the kitchen, by the counter and gave him a bright smile when he walked in. Steve asked Tony that they moved in a bigger apartment in the Tower. Most of the team knew about them. Actually the entire team probably knew by now, especially after he told Tony. The man couldn't keep his mouth shut when it came someone else's business. Steve barely had the time to settle in their new place that the Avengers were called to assemble.

He crossed the room and went to kiss her.

Half an hour later, his suit was scattered on the kitchen’s tiled floor and she was grasping at his shoulders, still breathing hard after her orgasm. Steve dropped his head in the crook of her neck. He left soft kisses on her skin there.

“I think we just christened the kitchen counter.” He joked and she laughed easily.

...

“How was he?” She asked later when Steve had showered and changed.

“Good. Not relapse. Even Tony behaved. It was a quick in and out.”

She lifted her brow. “It’s never really quick with you, though.” She teased with a wicked grin.

Bucky went out on his first mission in the field. They tried to keep him on a low profile since the government was till unaware of Bucky and Peggy’s return to American soil but Pepper and her army of lawyers were already drafting deals to anticipate when they’ll have to do so.

Peggy hasn’t been on a mission yet. Steve asked but she refused. She didn’t want to go out there. Her panic attacks were pretty much forgotten history by now, Sam has done tremendous work with her and Steve acted now as his support system. Anchoring her when need be. But she didn’t want to risk it. Especially when Natasha was part of the mission. Not that Peggy would act any differently around her, but she knew Natasha still had her reservations about her. She respected that. She couldn’t be a distraction.

And she liked the strategic thinking, the guiding from the ops room. It gave her a frame, a security. Something to keep her steady. It was the safest she had felt in a long time.

“Steve.” She spoke softly as they were on the couch, her legs draped above his lap, a hot mug of tea in her hands.

“Yeah?” He asked without looking at her, engrossed in his reading.

“I bought the house.” She bluntly let out.

He lifted his head a quizzical expression on his face. “What?”

“The safe house. In Kent. I bought it.”

Steve’s heart started to race a little at the mention of the house they lived in what seemed a lifetime ago.

“It’s ours,” she said.

In reality it has always been their. It was the place, the cocoon, where everything started. Where they started building their life together.  

“I thought we could maybe go back there. Some day.” She watched him carefully. “If you’d like that.”

He remembered the moment they left to go after Bucky. He recalled the sight of Peggy standing in front of the house, from the car where he was waiting for her, contemplating it for a last second. Her hand lifted to her face and he could swear she was wiping a tear on her cheek. That vision alone broke his heart and made him so hopeful at the same time. It was a strange feeling. Such a strange feeling.

Now he understood it. It was the hope of coming back there one day.

Steve’s lips slowly curled up in a smile. “Yeah,” he answered, “yeah I’d like that.”

 

END


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